I started coming to Sexaholics Anonymous at the beginning of 2019. I had experience in other recovery fellowships, so I already trusted the 12-Step approach. Thanks to AA, my father got sober for the first time in his life in 1995, and even though he had relapsed before he passed away, I already knew for sure that the Program worked.

I had the opportunity to participate in Nar-Anon a year into my marriage when I learned of my husband’s drug addiction. He minimized his problem with “light drugs,” but the consequences were still quite heavy. I helped him stop by introducing him to rehab, and we participated in meetings together. Psychologists helped me sustain the marriage for another 10 years, but we had much less in common than problems. A big problem was our sex life. SA has taught me to stay on my side of the street, and now I recognize how I contributed to our problems. I had a promiscuous youth, and my behavior and attitudes about sex seriously affected our relationship.

My family was religious and dysfunctional at the same time. I turned a blind eye to the moral principles I was taught and sought to relieve the pain of my loneliness with lots of sex. I was faced with a decision between a proper Christian life and frequent unmarried sex, and I chose acting out. I experienced a lot of emotional trauma and pain, and then cynicism came.

I was faithful to my husband throughout our marriage, but my many defects of character were rampant. Even though I was physically with only him, the addiction poisoned my life. I thought sex was the foundation of a relationship, and I felt unwanted as he continued to refuse me. When I found out that my husband preferred porn and masturbation over being with me, I took it quite personally. I lost all trust in him, but I still tried hard to save my marriage with therapy, church programs, and even a “sexologist” who advised us to watch porn together.

I became involved with a program for children of alcoholics and began to work their Steps. I wanted to clean up the cluttered shelves of my life. I received solace for the problems from my childhood. More specifically, I found relief from the missing safety, support, and love in my life.

While writing about my adolescence as a part of those Steps, I kept finding problems that stemmed from my sexual behavior and attitudes. My sponsor in that program told me about Sexaholics Anonymous. By this time, I had made a clean break from my husband, and I had firmly decided to have no affairs outside of marriage, but how could I manage the sexual desire, how could I calm the obsession? I never understood how deceptive lust could be; I thought its needs were my needs.

In SA, I learned that deciding not to feed lust won’t kill me, that sex was indeed optional. What amazing news that was! Right away, I chose a sponsor and started working the Steps. I had intense memories of many traumatic relationships throughout my life, but working the Steps helped me let go of much of that trauma. Much of the pain began to leave, too, and better self-understanding and trust in God came instead. The Fellowship brought people close to me. I never had this before. I also found opportunities to serve in many different ways; this has truly brought me joy. Some of these service opportunities include supporting newcomers and participating in SA conventions where I get to experience different emotions and receive lots of useful information.

An experience last year really blew my mind. Being in my 15th year of sobriety (technically it was because I was married for much of that time, but I had 3.5 years of actual SA sobriety), I found myself suddenly very interested in someone. Despite the fact that it was mutual, and I was now single, he was not.
Because of how it quickly crossed boundaries of appropriateness and through the enlightenment I had already received by working the SA Steps, I decided to reset my sobriety date so lust wouldn’t again completely absorb me. I also started another cycle of the Steps with a new sponsor. I also attended 90 meetings in 90 days, a common suggestion I’ve heard for when recovery gets shaky. I prayed and surrendered lust. I prayed for help to surrender all my lust.

I wrote out a page of gratitude every day. I listened to SA radio (24/7 recordings of people reading from the white book) and read SA and AA literature. I stayed in communication with other sexaholics, and I took lots of service opportunities in both face-to-face and online meetings. I even decided to give up sweets and starchy foods to attack lust from different directions.

After one year of this newfound sobriety, I felt myself a different person. It was a long and difficult journey for me to achieve such a simple thing as joyful sobriety, but I’m able to finally accept God’s will for me without any regrets — with humility instead. My heart is getting better and better.
God, I am grateful for my life, the situations I can grow spiritually in, that I can change for the better and move forward.