“Keep it simple”—how profound and how difficult. When I came to SA I looked for that special something that would knock my socks off and catapult me into sobriety. How disappointed I was when my sponsor said, “I’m not keeping any secret tools from you; the experience I have I have shared with you; there are no bunnies in the hat.”

When I first heard about what we call a “spiritual experience” while listening to a talk, all of a sudden something shifted, and I got it.

I had been waiting for the fireworks, the lightning…for salvation. Then I realized that the key word “awakening” means that slowly but surely something awakens in me, something there for years that I tried to keep shut.

When I started working on clearing away my denial, my resentments, my guilt, my remorse, things that stopped me from truly seeing how simple life is. All of a sudden I didn’t have to be a leaf blown in the wind afraid of every passing breeze.

I’ll start from the beginning. I’m a sexaholic and a codependent. I came to SA three months ago. Last week was my first time in a conference.

The night before the conference my husband and I were in an intense therapy session, which followed upon his discovery of a painful and relatively recent affair. This discovery came after coming back together from a year of separation due to my acting out. Yet again my addiction is eating away at something that hasn’t had time to heal because of my own actions.

I came to the conference overwhelmed with my fear of abandonment, and thinking about my husband, whom I left at home hurting. The first speakers of the conference were an SA member and his wife, an S-Anon member. I was shocked how honestly this SA member could speak about his past sexual behaviors next to his wife while hundreds of people listened. He shared so simply without obfuscation or drama. The serenity with which he spoke allowed me to say “I have an illness that can take me over and make me do crazy things, crazy things like having an affair while I’m trying to rebuild my family after I tore it to shreds.” This doesn’t make me bad or evil; I’m just very sick. I can give myself the same kindness and compassion that I would cheerfully grant a sick friend.

I don’t know many places where I can be so honest and vulnerable. For example, one of my biggest fears is abandonment and being alone. What a great gift that at a conference where these feelings came up, I can go to a friend and say I’m feeling alone, or tell them that I’m feeling triggered amongst all the men at the conference, and in response get a warm and loving hug! How selfish and self-centered is it of me not to give my husband the place to be hurt and angry! When I try to make it easier for him, am I not simply trying to mitigate my fear of abandonment? Am I not trying to assuage my guilt by taking on his emotions?

But all this is natural for me and anybody who has learned to suppress difficult emotions. I feel as if I got an invitation from my Higher Power: close your eyes, take a deep breath, sit in your painful emotions, surrender the demand for a grandiose spiritual experience. Instead I can pray to accept life on life’s terms, to recognize all the things in my life that I can be grateful for.

The keynote speaker (who is also an AA member) when drunk used to kick car mirrors and pee in mailboxes. Surprisingly enough, he hasn’t done this since he became sober in AA. Like the keynote speaker, I started my journey in SLAA, but I didn’t manage to stay sober. I didn’t understand the root of my addiction or that I need to solve my thought patterns, my lust and my resentments. SA taught me simple tools to deal with these things, which is to bring them into the light of day and let them dissipate on their own through the grace of God.

The closing speaker finished off his share with a sentence that stays with me, “it doesn’t matter what my past is, what horrible things I did in active addiction; it doesn’t matter if I have dark thoughts, if I’m sober or have relapsed. One thing is always true—my Higher Power adores me.” How simple! My Higher Power has unconditional love for me.