I am humbled by the out-pouring of love given to me on my 30th year anniversary. Sometimes I believe I am a fraud. Maybe one of those fantasies were not a fantasy and I did act out? Maybe one of those wet dreams were not really a wet dream?

I also don’t want to believe that I am a sober old timer. A sober man does not harbor resentments or lives in fear. A sober man is not full of shame or does not relish in self-pity. I want to be sober and act out in these behaviors! So am I really sober?

Yet, you guys are telling me you love me and celebrate my sobriety date! You respect me even though I struggle with self-respect. I can love you back by sharing openly and honestly.

I came in 30 years ago frightened of what I would find. I found a few people who admitted to sexual addiction. I learned I would not die if I can admit to being one. I learned that all I had to do was to get through the day without acting out sexually. I learned that prayer, phone calls, literature, and fellowship helped. Meetings most of all helped. Doing all these things made it easier to connect from when I went out of bed in the morning to the time I went back into bed at night.

My sponsor Jeff taught me that all I had to believe was that if I stayed sober this obsession and this pain would leave. Jeff took me into his house and kept me from being overwhelmed. I was not a good sponsee. I broke confidences his wife shared with me. I talked on the answering machine for hours taking up all the tape. I made lousy amends. I counted days. I wanted to get a 30 day chip. I wanted to get a 60 day chip and chair a meeting. I wanted to get 90 days and share my story. I wanted to do all the Steps and then graduate.

I learned to stick with winners. I learned not to be a whiner. I drove my sponsors crazy being a whiner. I wanted to do it the easy way. I did not want to be honest. I did not want God to run the show. I wanted to run the show and have God follow my directions.

I got four years of sobriety, then five. As my years added up so did my arrogance. I was unable to be sponsored. Nobody could tell me anything because I was Mr. SA himself. Luckily some desperate members stuck with me. So whether I liked it or not I talked sobriety.

I was making money, I was fat as a pig. I was SOBER. Then the Feds came. I was arrested for insurance fraud. “Noach, the gig is up. You are under arrest. We don’t think you are cute. We don’t think you are so sober or good looking. You are going to jail.” The family was falling apart. My in-laws wanted a divorce. I was alone in a jail cell. All I could do is pray, break down, turn my life over to HIM, or act out and relieve some of the pain and shame.

I was told that SA members could stay sober in jail. A member came to visit me every week! After a year in prison my wife told me that her life was good without this crazy addict and convict. She paid the bills, brought up the kids and knew that I was safe in jail every night. I was given an ultimatum. Get a legitimate job with benefits, or don’t bother coming home.

So I applied for a job and went to graduate school. My interview at Social Work School was three hours I was determined to be honest. They were determined to see if I was teachable. The miracles began.

I was accepted. I came back to meetings. I had to be humble. Members looked at me like I had binged after ten years. I let them down. Here I was sober for ten years and I was a lying cheat and ganev. I said, “my name is Noach and I am sober 13 years and I just got out of federal prison.” The newcomers thought I was God. The old timers rolled their eyes.

Harvey told me something I would never forget. “Yes, you are sexually sober. You are amazing, staying sober in jail. You have a hell of a First Step!” He paused and then said, “now, it’s time to work on the rest of the Steps.”

It is difficult working a Fourth around money. My greed. My arrogance. My fear. Yugh! I had to list the Feds, and the people that squealed on me to the Feds and the people that I hurt. I had to make amends.

I was in graduate school. I took the courses. I did not cheat. I put up with professors ten years my younger who complained that I slept in class. Our 12 Step program taught me I could do this one day at a time, one course at a time, one semester at time. When the dean told me I had completed all my requirements to graduate, I was disbelieving. I never did anything honestly in my life.

I worked at clinics. I applied for a license. I did not lie at the question “Were you ever convicted of a felony?” I answered “yes.” I was so proud of being honest and a member of SA! Rabbis, college professors, my wife and friends testified that I was an honest candidate to be licensed by the state of New York.

They asked “what safeguards are you using that you not revert back to these negative behaviors?” I answered, “I am a member of a Twelve Step program and try to get to 2-3 meetings a week.” They voted two yes, one no. I was given a license!

My life has changed. The woman who wanted a divorce loves me. And I love her. My kids love me and I love them back. My grandkids love me. My relationship with my higher power is good. I like to say the Third and Eleventh Step prayers. I enjoy my job. I go to post graduate courses to learn and find out about mental illness, obsessive and addictive behaviors, and trauma.

I feel extremely validated by the people in SA celebrating with me. The only thing I need to say is the gift I got from God was to take it easy, don’t act out today no matter what, and one day will turn into another.

In Fellowship,