As a pre-school age child, I learned how to use a vibrator as a sex toy. That’s how it all began. I had never heard the word “sex” and knew nothing of sexual intimacy. But I knew what felt good, and was immediately hooked.

By the time I began first grade, I was masturbating regularly. Then I discovered the pleasure of shimmying up the Jungle Jim bar. I indulged that gratification every recess period I could. And so began my habit of acting out with myself and my toys multiple times a day.

When I was nine years old, my mom had the “mother-daughter talk” with me. She explained the details of sex and sexual intimacy. She told me that sexual pleasure was a way to express love between a husband and wife. She also told me not to touch myself “down there.” I was somewhat stunned with my new knowledge. I didn’t tell my mom that this talk came too late. I had been experiencing frequent sexual pleasure for years without knowing what it was. I kept my secret to myself.

I did try to stop. But I couldn’t stay stopped. I stopped, and started again, and stopped, and started again, over and over and over. This became the new pattern of my life.

I entered puberty at age eleven with my first menstruation. My experience with boys during my preteen and teenage years was frustrating. I had a crush on a junior high classmate for about four years. We were friends, but he never returned my romantic interest. When any other boy had a crush on me, I was not interested. My crushes were always one-sided, so I never had an adolescent boyfriend.

To substitute for real-life boyfriends, I developed an active imagination full of romantic and sexual intrigue. My retreat into fantasy short-circuited my ability to relate naturally with boys. They could never live up to my expectations. I then created more fantasies. It became a vicious cycle.

Throughout high school and then college, I enjoyed many friendships, both male and female. Some of my male classmates affectionately called me “sis.” However, as in earlier life, any romantic interests remained one-sided and came to nothing. I had my own secret love affair with my toys and my fantasies, and that short-circuited anything real.

At age 21, I met a 30-year-old man who fell in love with me. I was finally someone’s girlfriend. I loved all of his affectionate attentions. This relationship was the closest I came to being intimate and vulnerable with a man. He knew who I was on the inside better than anyone else ever had. But I never came to love him as he loved me. I refused his proposal of marriage.

This failed romance brought me a new realization. Although I enjoyed this man’s attentions, I did not respond sexually to him. The best we could do was mutual masturbation. He seemed satisfied with this, but I was disappointed. I felt unable to move beyond my childhood sexuality to adult love. I broke off the relationship and moved out of town (the geographical cure).

Most of my adult life, I lived in a university community. As a young adult, I attended a church with a large young adult membership and many opportunities for fellowship. Again, I had lots of friends, both male and female, mostly without romantic interest. My fantasies and frequent sex with self continued.

A turning point came at age 40. I had a boyfriend I had met at church. Our attraction was mutual. He had many excellent qualities, and I fell in love with him. But he seemed unable to make a commitment to me. When that romance failed, I felt devastated. I started attending 12 Step meetings for people with repeated dysfunctional relationships.

The 12 Step approach was new to me. For the next two years I participated in Step writing groups, and faced some of my own self-defeating attitudes. I also discovered the existence of other 12 Step fellowships, including several that addressed sex addiction.

I decided to explore S-fellowships that allowed me to define my own terms of sexual sobriety. My goals were to stay in reality instead of living in a fantasy world, and to moderate my masturbation habit down to just once per day. By this time, my fantasy life was sabotaging my career ambitions, and masturbation had escalated into binge sessions to total exhaustion and finally injury. I could work only part time due to the time consumed by my addiction. I knew I was powerless, and was ready for a 12 Step solution.

In my first S-fellowship, I stopped watching soap operas and other media-driven fantasies. This helped to somewhat calm the storm in my mind, but I still couldn’t masturbate moderately. In my second S-fellowship, I disallowed acting out with sex toys.

I thought masturbating without sex aids would be more natural, and I could act out moderately once per day. I was wrong.

My last day of acting out was a binge masturbation session without sex toys. When finished, I wept. I was heartbroken. My hope for a pathway to moderate masturbation was crushed. I cried out to God for help. I took a bath because I felt dirtied by my acting out. And I made a commitment to go to SA.

I hadn’t been frightened to go to the other S-fellowships, but I was terrified of SA. I thought the members of SA were somehow worse than in the other S-fellowships. I was afraid I wouldn’t be as safe. And I had heard the SA fellowship was predominantly male. But I desperately wanted support for a stricter sobriety, at least for a 90-day drying out period. So, I took a chance, not knowing what to expect.

There were about six men in attendance at my first SA meeting, including another newcomer. I was the only woman. It was a Step writing group, but they chose to become a newcomer’s meeting that evening. One-by-one, the sober men shared short versions of their SA story – what it was like, what happened to bring them to SA, and what it is like now in recovery. I listened closely, and was astonished that I related to each of their stories. I had never heard men be so honest about not being perfect.

When the meeting ended, we stood and recited the Lord’s Prayer together. I had heard these men be real about who they were and what they had done, and now I heard the same men seeking God in prayer. At that moment, I felt a warmth of assurance that this SA meeting was a safe place for me.

As a SA newcomer, I attended 90 meetings in 90 days. On weekends, I drove an hour or so to get to a bigger meeting where there might be a few women. I especially enjoyed the West LA meeting on Saturday night. I found a sponsor there.

One Friday evening, I drove to the North Hollywood meeting. After the meeting, a kindly looking older gentleman inquired how I was doing as a newcomer in SA. I was still in the shock of withdrawal, and I blurted out my newcomer anxieties. “God can’t restore me to sanity,” I said. “I’ve always been sexually attracted to objects, not to humans. How can I be restored to sanity when I wasn’t sane to begin with?” The white-haired gentleman said quietly, “God will restore you to what He had in mind for you. He isn’t limited by what happened to you as a young child. God will give you the sanity He wants for you now.”

Later that year while reading recovery literature, I came to the joyful realization that my Higher Power is also my New-Found Friend who has good plans for my future. At that time, I let go of my anxiety about trusting God. I found the serenity and contentment that come from living one day at a time, and leaving the future to God’s care.

I loved to read SA and AA literature. My favorite meetings were Step Study and Book Study meetings. As I grew in my understanding of the Steps, I realized how much sense they make, and how each Step logically follows the previous one.

When I was two years sober, I discovered a way of working Step 10 that I have used ever since. When something is bothering me, I grab pen and paper, and cycle through the first nine Steps on that problem. I first define the problem I am powerless over, and surrender it to God’s care. Then I look at my part in it, and ask God to remove my defective way of coping. I amend my defect by finding a better way to cope. Often my amends is to pray daily for a person I resent. That creates an attitude of compassion in my heart.

Steps 3 and 11 have always been my favorites. In Step 3, I surrender my will and my life to the care of my gracious and powerful Friend. In Step 11, I maintain contact with my Best Friend who gives me the power to stay sober, and who gives me a quality of life better than I deserve. Day by day, I discover my compassionate Friend really does have good plans for me. Even when bad things happen, my Best Friend gives me a power to cope that is beyond my natural strength.

One of my favorite Step 11 quotes is: “How fortunate we are, then, to be so needy that we have to find what our lust was really looking for—the loving God who is our refuge and our strength” (SA 136).

Part of my Higher Power’s will for me has been to experience the joy of serving others. The AA Big Book says: “Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us” (page 77). This is the real purpose of my recovery.

As I see it, God has blessed me with three families during my years of sobriety, with ample opportunities for service. Over the past 29 years, I have been privileged to serve my fellow SA members on all levels of the SA service structure, which I love doing. Over the past 21 years, I have served as caregiver for several family members. And I have held various service positions in my church family.

In meetings where we state what brought us to SA, I share something like this: “My bottom-line behaviors were compulsive sex with self, with or without the aid of sex toys and other objects, continued to the point of self-injury at the time I hit bottom; and compulsive romantic and sexual fantasy, with or without the aid of the media, continued to the point of failure to live successfully in the real world. Due to my addiction, I experienced failed relationships, failure in school, and failed career ambitions. In recovery, God has restored my ability to live in the real world, and has made me useful to others in ways I had not planned.”

Sobriety and service bring the joy and contentment that always eluded me during acting out days. My powerful and gracious Best Friend restores my sanity day-by-day, in His timing and on His terms. And for this I can never be sufficiently grateful.