Lust corrupted my childhood. I was violated when I was very young—an inappropriate act that distorted my perception of sexuality, reality, and love. For years afterward I went around with an aching, infinite emptiness inside me. I bandaged the pain with a blindfold and contented myself to live in darkness, like someone living down a deep water well. It was only when I was writing out my First Step inventory I came to see the truth of this. These drawings here came to me after reflecting on my recovery journey, based upon the Fourth Step story, “Facing the Wild Elephant” (SA 105-107).

1: She learned to escape. She fled from herself so as not to have to look at herself in the mirror; her own image terrified her. There was something inside her that always whispered to her in a “low voice.” She did not know how to identify her own voice from that hidden voice. She learned to escape from reality; a blindfold over her eyes completely removed her from the truth; the “low voice” led her to hide, escape and lie. She had gotten used to the feeling of emptiness in her heart. The “low voice” told her that she would always be able to fill the emptiness but should never take off the blindfold.

 

 

2: The voice was low and cunning. It offered different blindfolds depending upon whatever form of reality the girl encountered; always switching so that she could hide from herself, from the various people she came across and most of all, from the light of her Higher Power. “Loneliness is solitude,” the voice said, “and darkness is a bandage, not a blindfold,” the voice told her when she said the pain was too much.

 

 

 

3: The well of pity seemed to be a safe place, in which she had learned to hide, to escape. It was her refuge. The dark well gave her a false security. In this well, she hid the deep emptiness of her soul, which she tried to fill with things, people and her greatest drug—lust.

 

 

 

 

4: In this well she was seduced by two rats that ate away the truth with their teeth. They gave her a false honey and wanted to lead her to ruin by its deceptive sweetness. She didn’t suspect a thing, as the honey seemed perfect to fill her deep emptiness.

 

 

 

 

5: The fear of getting face-to-face with herself was drawing her each time further and further away from her truth. She wanted to remain hidden; she wanted to distract herself from herself. Her fantasies enabled her to escape.

 

 

 

 

6: One day, the hope for freedom was born. She decided to get out of the well and remove the blindfold from her eyes. Instead of the monster she expected to find, she discovered the fragile being she had long abandoned—she saw who she really was. What a relief she experienced when faced with what she had feared the most: herself!

 

 

 

7: Slowly she started walking the Path of Happy Destiny. She found the true love of her heart: her beloved Higher Power, Who granted her a new heart and a new freedom. And she knew she was free at last!

 

 

 

 

Epilogue: To have the blindfold fall off took perseverance, going to many meetings, risking fellowship, trusting my sponsor who helped me through the Steps and surrendering myself to the loving guidance of my Higher Power. By continuing to trudge the road of happy destiny, returning Home, and walking in the present, the baggage is getting lighter every day. I am starting to rediscover myself. For the first time I am walking with myself. I am recognizing the fragility of my steps. I feel the living presence of God stripping the falsehood of my old illusory lifesavers.

Life is present; I breathe at every step. I had forgotten the intense vibration of life expressed in the plants, animals, the wind, the sunrise, the cold, the immensity of the sky inviting me to live. Prayer is the first moment of my day. I surrender every step of the way; I surrender and I am willing. I know now that I cannot do it on my own; I need courage and good will to let my Higher Power take over my life.

The warm Light that comes with recovery helps me to accept my minuteness; I don’t resist Its immensity, but accept it. I find faith in the room of my Soul, where I am learning to recognize the delicate healing power of my Higher Power. To leave the well of lust is to step into God’s life, enter his peace, and receive the clarity that only He can give me. I keep walking, one day at a time, one moment at a time, as I am no longer alone.