The chapter in the White Book titled “Lust—The Force Behind the Addiction,” is, in my view, a magnificent introduction to the underpinnings of what lust is really all about. In that chapter Roy defines lust as “an attitude demanding that a natural instinct serve unnatural desires” (SA 40). That was certainly my experience.

Sometime during my high school years I discovered masturbation and pornography. I can’t remember which came first, but one certainly followed quickly upon the other. Looking at those images certainly brought arousal. And sex with myself certainly brought pleasure. For some, perhaps, returning to that experience on an occasional basis might actually work. For me, however, I was immediately hooked. I had to have the lustful experience again and again and again. My experiences with masturbation, pornography, adult bookstores, X-rated movies, strip clubs, etc. were “an isolating obsession with sex and self.” Just as Roy said in that chapter, my lust was an attitude demanding that this new natural instinct I had discovered serve unnatural desires.

I needed lust because I was lonely, fearful, insecure, etc. It was the attitude of lust itself that was controlling me. I felt entitled to these private moments, alone with lust. The problem was that it was killing my spirit. I was in the high school seminary at the time beginning my studies to become a priest (which, just for the record, never happened). My religion taught me that my behaviors were wrong. But I knew in my gut that they were wrong anyway. How did I know? Because every time I acted out my lustful attitudes and fantasies, I felt so terribly ashamed afterward.

I ended up living a sort of double life. In my so-called real life, I was on the student council, I worked on the school newspaper, I was involved in intramural sports, I got good grades etc. But in my private world I was a person who devoured images of what Roy calls “picture women” over and over again as if they were mine to take. I look back on it now and shudder at the lack of respect I had for these fellow human beings. But at the time, I was so lost inside myself and lust that my morals and values fell by the wayside so that I could keep filling myself up with the very thing that was destroying me: lust.

The worst time for me came after I graduated college and got my first full-time job. At the time, I was dating a young woman whom I have now been married to for almost 40 years. Despite this, I got “involved” with a colleague at my job. After being sexual with this woman a few times, the guilt and shame were overpowering. But the lust was way more powerful. Despite trying to stop—oh, I did stop, so I’ll say, despite trying to stay stopped—I simply could not. Finally I was able to stay away from this colleague for about two months only to return. Before we did anything this time, she looked at me point blank, “Do you still love me?” At that moment, the darkness took me over like never before. I never loved this person in the true sense, but I certainly felt some affection. By this time, I already knew I was quitting this job, and part of the reason was to get away from this “relationship.” I knew if I told her the truth, I wouldn’t get my lust satisfied. So I lied through my teeth.

In my religious tradition, there’s something called “mortal sin.” And I knew before we even started having sex that night that this lust-driven lie was a mortal sin, and I had completely lost myself. So while I didn’t know what the textbook definition of lust exactly was, I knew what it was for me. And Roy’s chapter describes it really well.

Writing this piece for the ESSAY was quite painful. It’s tough remembering what I was and what I could be again if I stop working this program. But I’m incredibly grateful to my Higher Power and to all the many of you who have helped me stay sober. Have I been tempted over the years? Yes. Have I occasionally strayed to look in a magazine or at a real person longer than I should have? Yes. But through God’s grace and with all of your help, I’ve been able to surrender those moments very, very quickly so as to stay unhooked and not to let the darkness descend on me again. Thanks to the grace of God and the Steps and the fellowship of Sexaholics Anonymous for over 40 years, I’ve been able to stay in the light, far away from those dark days of lust.