As a chronic, hopeless sexaholic, I have no human defense against lust. When I lust, I cannot stop. As a chronic sexaholic I have a physical allergy to whatever chemicals, neurotransmitters, hormones—you name it—that are produced by my own brain and body when I am lusting or engaging in selfish sexual behavior. My mental and physical reaction to those substances differ from the reaction of normal people.

When I lust, I become shaky, my heart races, my stomach hurts, I instantly get a headache, I feel that my body is frozen. If I’m tired or sleepy, lust makes me instantly alert and excited. When I lust I become alive. The normal person’s reaction to lust may differ, but I’m not interested in the normal man’s reaction to lust because I’m not normal.

My mental and physical reaction to lust isn’t normal by any means. When I lust or interact intentionally with lust, or engage in any other selfish sexual behavior, I become so excited that I want more and more so that I act out compulsively until I get to a point where I finally stop and start suffering the terrible physical and emotional consequences.

When I lust, I feel alive, that’s the allergy—an abnormal reaction—a normal person’s reaction to lust may be a form of disgust or shame. I remember that’s how I felt when I was a kid, I used to feel disgusted when I watched porn or heard profanity. Maybe I was normal back then. But now, even now, when I lust, I feel alive, any form of lust, especially romantic lust. But I know I must refrain or else I will pay dearly for my lusting.

That’s the bodily aspect. Why do I lust ? Herein lies the role of my defective thinking. I am an animal who wants to be a God, I want everything I wish for, here, now, instantly. I live this life driven by fear, fear of losing what I have, or not getting what I want. Driven by fear I tend to control more, change the truth, manipulate it so that I become dishonest to cover up my fear and try to get things my way, all to avoid imagined pain and to acquire pleasure. I usually don’t get what I want. I usually lose what I was afraid to lose, my expectations get denied, life doesn’t go my way, and then experience immense anger, agony, and pain. All of this crap left unsurrendered sends emergency notifications to my broken brain that I’m in danger and on the brink of demise.

My brain has a “solution.” After all, it was created to save me from pain and demise; however, my brain has been programmed that the only thing that can relieve me is lust and sex in any shape or form, so my brain keeps obsessing about that drug. The greater the pain the greater the obsession. This cycle continues until I reach a point where I actually act out without even thinking about the consequences. My brain and body are against me. I don’t even have a hope from a higher power because lust so blocks that hope that I believe I am not connected to that higher power at all. Lust corrupts my soul, isolating me from that higher power all of my life. I wasn’t doing the job that I was created for, which is simply doing God’s will.

I was worshiping myself, working for myself, seeking myself. I was a servant to myself. No wonder I was suffering all of my life. But there is a solution which has worked for me. When I say “it worked for me,” you must know that I’ve tried almost everything—medication, psychiatry, religion, self-help literature, white knuckling the urges, indulging in my college stuff, traveling to other countries, beating myself up, new habits, sports, etc. None of these relieved me from the addiction.

I managed to stay abstinent for a few days, weeks, months and years, but I always acted out eventually. I didn’t bring myself to accept the spiritual solution outlined in the AA Big Book, I was forced to it. And boy, I’m glad that I was forced to accept it eventually. Now I realize that the calamities that I went through were mere gifts from God to destroy my ego and bring me back to life. And for that, I won’t ever be grateful enough. God is working. Thank you, God.