I broke up with my last girlfriend when I came to the program, after a two-year relationship. The reason was my shocking admission to the truth about myself—that I used her, trying to find a sense of self-worth at her expense, satisfy lust, and not feel lonely. This realization was painful, but honest and therefore healing.

I saw that I had always had this kind of unhealthy attitude towards my partners. As long as I remained the same, with prior beliefs, approaches, and behavior, it is naïve to expect a different result. The best thing I can do for myself and others is to take a break (for a year and a half) to devote this time to sobering up and working the program. I need the internal changes that the program will provide. It will give me a chance for healthier relationships in the future.

This is what I decided six years ago. I was very relieved. I no longer need to look for anyone, pretend to be someone else, or waste my time in exchange for lust or for the illusion of wholeness. I can and want to dedicate this time to my recovery and to the Steps. This is the right thing to do.

What about relationships? As my sponsor told me, “When a person develops a relationship with God, then the urgent need for a partner disappears.” So, I have turned over to God the whole area of relationships. God knows better whether I’m destined to have them, when and with whom, and whether I need them at all. I decided that if this is God’s will and blessing for me, then I will go with it. If this is not His will, well, then there is nothing to worry about.

Sometimes, I would get overwhelmed by a feeling of loneliness that feels like it would be resolved by finding a partner. Sometimes, there would be a fear of loneliness in old age, when it seems I’d feel desperate to have a person alongside me. Sometimes, I would feel an acute lack of intimacy or deep connection with another person. These states are signs that my relationship with God is weak. They keep on pushing me again and again to seek a saving connection with Him and to find comfort, support, and fulfillment in this connection and in connection with other people. For me, these are my close relatives, my son, my father, my friends, brothers from SA, and my sponsor, as well as work colleagues, clients, and simply people I run into. I get a lot of support from working with my sponsees, doing service, and giving of myself.

I remained sober for six years; I worked through the program. A lot of things fundamentally changed in my life for the better. But a relationship didn’t appear. Since then, I have never really looked for a life partner as a conscious choice. I didn’t want to anymore.

Also, my view of relationships has changed. Now I don’t ask myself, “What is it that I want to get from this person?”, but rather “What can I give?” It turns out that I can’t give very much.

Am I ready for the enormous spiritual work that goes into relationships? Daily work with defects and egotism is the willingness to sacrifice one’s own interests and serve others.

It’s intimacy that I’m so afraid of. The intimacy, which for me has always been muddied with lust. And it’s sex that I’m also afraid of, without which I have been living so well for the last six years.

I am afraid of what will happen to me—the excessive covering of feelings, hormonal swings, exhilarating illusions and their painful shattering, and other delights of “romantic chemistry…”

Will I ever be ready for this? Only God knows. I’m 48, and I’m used to living alone. I value my peace of mind and fragile inner balance, and honestly, I don’t want any draining and stressful changes at all.

Do I feel lonely because I don’t have a relationship? No. Sometimes I may experience this feeling, but in reality, as long as I have a connection with God and other people, I’m not alone.

I concluded a long time ago that my inner happiness doesn’t depend on the presence of a partner. My inner happiness depends on my beliefs, on how grateful I am to God for what I have in my life today, on how close and trusting my relationship with God is, on how much I can live in accordance with the Will of God and with spiritual principles, and on how useful I am to this world.