She is so grateful that the Steps taught her how to connect using safe, healthy sharing. 

When I built a wall between me and those I loved, I severed connection to God and others.  I completely separated myself when I was four years old because I was raging at everyone. 

“We find that spiritual isolation is intolerable for long. We can’t just leave the plug of our soul dangling”(SA 50).  Just as I will die if I don’t have food and water, I will spiritually die without connection to God. My selfish attitudes separate me, spiritually killing me and causing unbearable hunger like a vacuum. Two things happen here: pain caused by my selfish attitudes, and unbearable hunger of separation caused by those same attitudes. If I just surrender my selfish attitudes but don’t connect with actions of love and the language of recovery (Steps Ten, Eleven, and Twelve), the hunger intensifies. Without Connection (Power), the mental obsession returns, and I take a drink of a substitute connection: lust. I can’t stop once I start, and I am a dead woman. This is why negative sobriety will never work. 

How do I connect with God and others? I connect by practicing the Steps and using the language of recovery. Actually, when I use the language of recovery, I am practicing the 12 Steps.

Surrendering lust as a lower power in Step One and God becoming my Higher Power in Steps Two, Three, and Eleven, I begin to connect with God. By practicing Steps Four, Six, and Eight, I connect with God and myself by knowing the truth about myself. By practicing Steps Five, Nine, Ten, and Twelve, I connect with God, others, and myself. 

Recovery language is leading with my weakness. If I need to surrender lust in a group, I use safe and clinical language. I make a real and sincere effort to avoid graphic language. “We are careful not to be a temptation to others in the way we talk about our sexual acting out” (SA 178).  For example, I can surrender in meetings by saying, “I would like to surrender lust in dreams, second glances, acting out, fantasy, inappropriate content online, looking at others, or sex with self.” These phrases don’t give any details and use vocabulary not typically used when living in the disease. There is no memory tied to these words, which lowers the chances of associated lust feelings surfacing. However, it does give a general idea of how lust manifested. I get to surrender, newcomers get to identify, and others get to be safe and treated with dignity at the same time. 

Several old timers shared that when I surrender graphically in meetings, I’m abusing members and holding them hostage. All members in the meeting would have to give me permission to share graphically; otherwise, I wouldn’t maintain my integrity and might be giving and getting “lust hits.” If I need to describe lust in more detail, I call my sponsor or ladies in recovery who won’t be triggered. 

If the group intentionally practices graphic sharing, it’s a form of abuse—even if that group tells those disturbed to leave and come back. One time, I had to leave a meeting and come back so many times that I missed the whole meeting. This was at 15 years of sobriety! Leaving and coming back is an excellent tool if the group typically shares non-graphically, or if the problem only resides in me. However, if the group intentionally and consistently shares graphically, I’m responsible for leaving and finding another meeting that shares with integrity. 

Sharing in recovery language is always a type of Step Ten. I describe the situation long enough to identify the problem. Then, I can surrender my powerlessness and trust God will help. I decide to do God’s will in this situation. I share my resentments, fears, or harms. I identify the ideals or roles God wants for me in the situation, and acknowledge if amends are necessary. I can ask for identification or for experience, strength, and hope (ESH) from the person listening. This is the language of recovery and practicing the 12 Steps at the same time.

After listening to my share, the person identifies with me by sharing their experience and understanding, the Steps they applied, the promises received, and the lessons learned. Therefore, I connect through identification and the Steps with the problem turned over to God in the solution.