Time Out

Sponsor by mail helped him to address what was buried and oozing out.

All my life, I looked like I had it together—married, seven children, active in serving others, and a belief in a Higher Power. But for 27 years, I lived a double life, trapped in pornography and secrets.

I also carried pain I didn’t know how to name. As a child, I was abused multiple times by different men. I never learned how to process that trauma; instead, I buried it. And what we bury doesn’t disappear—it leaks out sideways. For me, it leaked into compulsive sexual behavior, isolation, and a growing hunger for escape.

Over time, my addiction escalated into actions that cost me everything and landed me in prison for four years. Strange as it sounds, prison became a “time out” that saved my life. It forced me to stop running. I decided that if I was going to get out, I wanted to come out different. I attended every program I could, did therapy, and started doing the hard work of change.

That’s when someone told me about Sexaholics Anonymous.

SA meetings were held in the same building as AA. In prison, the stigma was intense. Sometimes we even had to leave early because of threats and hostility. But inside that room, something happened that I didn’t expect: I felt safe. I felt understood. I felt the kind of care that doesn’t excuse the past—but also doesn’t condemn you to repeat it forever. SA was non-denominational, and it gave me a place to tell the truth and begin working the Steps.

There was just one problem: I couldn’t find a sponsor in prison. Everyone needed one. Then I heard about Sponsor by Mail.

I wrote a letter asking for help, not sure if anyone would respond. When a letter came back, it felt like someone had reached through the walls and said, “You’re not alone.” My sponsor didn’t just send encouragement—he gave me direction: assignments, steps, and questions that made me stop hiding, even from myself.

My Sponsor and that mail became a lifeline.

Working the Twelve Steps with him changed me in ways I didn’t think were possible. I learned that secrets are fuel for addiction—and that bringing things into the light with safe people breaks the spell. I learned practical tools: honesty, accountability, amends, and daily surrender to my Higher Power. My sponsor shared his own experience—real stories of staying sober when it was hard. That gave me hope, because hope isn’t a slogan. Hope is seeing someone else live free and realizing you might be able to, too.

Later, with permission, I started calling him every other week to check in. Those conversations helped me stay grounded and catch myself early, before small slips became a full return to old thinking. My sponsor was as vital to my recovery as the therapy I was receiving. He helped me build a new way of living, one decision at a time.

When I was released, I got a local sponsor, but I kept checking in with my mail sponsor (with his permission). I still do. That steady connection has helped me stay honest, stay humble, and stay aware of when I’m drifting.

Today, my life is different. My marriage has been given a chance to heal. My wife—who waited through the hardest years—now has a husband who is present, accountable, and committed to recovery. My children have seen change that I once thought was impossible. I don’t say that proudly; I say it gratefully. I know where I came from, and I know what it costs to keep living in the dark.

If you’re reading this and you feel stuck, I want you to hear one thing: change is possible. You are not beyond help. You are not too far gone. But you cannot do it alone. Go to a meeting. Keep coming back. Tell the truth. Get a sponsor. Work the Steps. Let your Higher Power and this Fellowship do what they’re designed to do—restore sanity and build a new life.

And if you’re sober and stable, please consider becoming a Sponsor by Mail for someone incarcerated. A letter may seem small, but I’m living proof it can ripple outward into marriages, children, and entire families. One sponsor’s willingness can become someone else’s turning point.

I’m grateful for Sexaholics Anonymous. I’m grateful for my sponsors. It really works if you work it.