Originally published in ESSAY, in serial form, August 2019 – October 2020

Over three sober decades in SA there have been quite a few pieces of “bad news” for me as a recovering sexaholic. They all arise, like my entire program, from my experience, strength, and hope:

• If you’ve ever been sober for 24 hours, you have all the tools you need to be sober the rest of your life – One Day At A Time.
• No matter how long I am sober and no matter how perfectly I work this SA program, I will still be a sexaholic.
• It took everything I did in my disease to get to the point of being willing to work our SA program.
• We cease fighting anything or anybody. We have to (AA 103).

• If I am disturbed, the problem is in me. I’d rather be serene than right.
• Other people’s opinion of me is none of my business. If I make their opinion of me my business, I go crazy!
• The most dangerous words that come into our minds are, “I can handle it.” This is always a lie.
• The temptation to lust does not disappear. The “hidden bottles” are in my head.

• We make a decision to get angry. Then we find something to get angry about. Same with resentment!
• Anyone who says, “I can’t get sober!” is telling the truth. If we could get sober on our own, we would not need SA. However, “We can get sober!” is also true.
• I cannot trust my brain to “figure out” recovery. My own best thinking got me here.
• Let go and let God means that I must stop steering my life. I learn to do what’s in front of me each moment.

• Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. There is no wiggle room in this statement.
• In Steps 9 and 10 we make amends for ourselves so we don’t have to lust again. An amends is humiliating. We must actually change our behavior – that’s what “amend” means.
• Ego deflation in depth is the norm, not the exception, in our recovery. Almost none of us like ego deflation. However, it is essential for sobriety and recovery.
• A faced fear vanishes. There may still be a problem or embarrassment or challenge – just no fear.
• “If you spot it, you got it.” When something is said about another person (by them or to them), it may or may not be true about them. It is ALWAYS true about the person saying it.

• Worrying about the rest of my life is none of my business – if I am working Step 3.
• The Rule of 180˚: I figure out exactly how I want to react or what I want to say. Then I do the opposite, which turns out to be the best choice. The Rule of 180˚ saves a lot of trouble!
• When I don’t want to go to a meeting or make a phone call is exactly when I most need to do it.
• If we want clear water, don’t stir the bottom of the pond. Dredging up the past clouds our vision.
• Telling the truth is a great fall-back position.
• Two “automatic” contributions to a resentment/obsession are: 1) holding on to the resentment for a long time and 2) expecting another person to be different than the way they actually are.
• Having opinions, about anything at all, is always optional. Most relationship problems are caused by opinions.
• Expectations are pre-meditated resentments.

• Healthy sex: Sexual behavior which helps a married couple feel closer is healthy, in my experience. Any sexual behavior which serves some other purpose (“find relief,” “help me relax,” “help me be less afraid,” “keep me from losing him/her,”) is self-centered and probably unhealthy.
• My partner did not cause my sexaholism. Nor can my partner control it or cure it. I am responsible for me.
• The greater the intensity of a response or action toward the “outside,” such as another person or situation, the greater the intensity of something hidden on the “inside” of the speaker. This is very reliable, though often not obvious.
• Fighting is a choice. We can reply “you may be right” or “thank you for caring so much” (without sarcasm!) rather than fight. The other person may well be upset that we refuse to fight. We still don’t fight.

• Obsession (Defined as: thinking about something more than once without any new information) is a primary problem. Nothing causes obsession.
• Obsession is deadly to relationships. Obsession blocks me from my spouse, my family and friends, program people, institutions, and my Higher Power or God.
• The “Obsession Song” really works! The verses are: “I’m obsessing, I’m obsessing. Yes, I am, yes, I am. Take away the garbage, take away the garbage. Please God, please God.” (Tune: Frère Jacques.) There are many other obsession tools such as surrendering my right to think and using a loose rubber band on my wrist.
• The Law of Obsession is “I only obsess about things I can do nothing about!” By definition in my experience, this Law is never broken. If I could do something, I would do something!