As I sit here on the New York City subway, I have seven years in the program and one day of sexual sobriety. Triggers of every kind surround me and it seems impossible for me not to lust. Add this all up, and it equals just one thought in my mind — FAILURE!!! And that is exactly what my disease (my addict, the devil, whatever I call it) wants me to believe.

A good friend in the program once told me after a meeting (where I had just shared that I was totally dejected after yet another slip) that it’s not God who wants me to feel that way. God doesn’t give up, and neither should I. “Don’t quit before the miracle” is a slogan that I heard in my early recovery that has helped me to keep coming back — again and again.

When I first began the program I was a professional actor and had to go on a national tour. How was I possibly going to stay sober out there, in my former playground? A member (who later became my sponsor) told me to attend as many meetings as possible. “If you can’t find an SA meeting,” he told me, “go to an open AA meeting. Tell them you’re an addict, sit there, and listen.”

My first stop was Mobile, Alabama — about as far and different from New York City as I can get. I called the local AA intergroup, called a cab, and in a half-hour was at a meeting. As I walked nervously into the old clubhouse, there hanging over the door was the sign, “KEEP COMING BACK.” I knew I was home — that I was going to be all right. (Since that first meeting in Mobile I have attended meetings all over the country and as far around the globe as Hong Kong.)

It is miraculous that God has always kept me coming back — mostly out of fear of the disease and knowing that the inevitable progression will lead me to physical, emotional, and spiritual death. But I have to remind myself of this every day. And when I don’t — when I think I’m “cured” or in the clear — that it’s “no big deal” or I can handle it — that’s when I am in trouble.

Slipping is an unfortunate fact for many of us. It’s not “OK” to slip. It’s never OK. I know from all I have learned from my fellow SAs and the trust that I have in God (as imperfect as it may be) that sobriety is the only way for me. So when I fall I have to get up again. To stay down would be the end. It’s very hard starting over again, but I have to. I have no other choice. And while some may conclude that all this slipping in our program means there is something wrong in SA, to keep coming back is still the difference between life and death.

And so it is my prayer today to stay sober today — with all the other addicts and SAs that I know and those I do not know. We all have to stay sober for the same 24 hours. Today is no different if it’s day 1 or day 2001. It’s a day at a time; it’s easy does it; it’s keep it simple. It’s go to a meeting; it’s work the Steps. No matter what happens, no matter how low you feel, it’s don’t quit and keep coming back.

So to all my fellow addicts who are struggling today to stay sober, I say that although you may feel alone (which I often do) there are others who are struggling exactly the same way you are. You are NOT alone. And no matter how down you may feel, you are NOT a failure. God does not want you to feel that way. He loves you and wants you to be happy.

So no matter what happens, please, don’t quit. Just keep coming back. God and your fellows will always be waiting there to greet you — with loving, open arms.