Alcoholics Anonymous, Chapter 5 (“How It Works”) says, “Here are the steps we took which are suggested as a program of recovery.” The recovery programs of AA and SA are the 12 Steps. Going to meetings is not working the program. Calling your sponsor is not working the program. Participating in the fellowship is not working the program. All these actions can strengthen our recovery, but unless you are actively taking the Steps, you are not working the SA program.

While our fellowship is just passing 20 years, AA is over 60 years old. Despite our relative youth, Sexaholics Anonymous has demonstrated that the spiritual program which has helped millions of alcoholics recover can also be equally successful with an addiction to lust.

The purpose of these articles is to share some very concrete and practical experience on how the set of spiritual tools we call the 12 Steps can be applied to your life so that you can join the thousands who are recovering from sexaholism. When I arrived at Sexaholics Anonymous, I saw people who had suffered from the same slavery to lust that had driven me to despair. But these people were smiling, laughing and seemed to be building happy and useful lives. I knew that if I wanted what they had, I would have to do what they had done.

Step 1. We admitted that we were powerless over lust—that our lives had become unmanageable.

When I arrived at my first SA meeting, I was told that I needed to write out my 1^st Step and share it with a group of SA members. Even though I had been in AA for several years, I had never heard of writing a 1^st Step. I was told to make a list of examples of my powerlessness over lust: missing important events so I could act out; placing myself and others at risk of physical harm, arrest, or disease; sex with people I did not like; engaging in activities that disgusted and overwhelmed me with shame; and on it went. They said not to overlook the times that lust interfered with a precious relationship, even though that person was not the object of my lust (acting out with my sister’s best friend thus harming my relationship with my sister; trying to hold a conversation with a friend while being consumed with lust for the person across the room; etc.).

I was also told to make another list of examples of the unmanageability in my life, which were the consequences of my addiction. Sometimes I could identify a direct consequence of an episode from the first list and place it on the second. However, there were other consequences which were the cumulative result of years of pursuing lust. Areas to search for consequences included damaged relationships with family, lost friendships, missed opportunities in my career, legal scrapes, financial costs, time wasted in the pursuit of lust, and so on.

I tried to look at as many areas of my life as possible where my addiction had caused difficulty. The result was not pretty. There were some particularly painful consequences in relationships, especially with my wife and child. There were some losses, which I realized could never be regained. I refer to these heartbreaking examples as “silver bullets.” I still have the written list available. Whenever my disease tells me that lust will provide excitement, fun, or relief, I look at this list of what my pursuit of lust really brings. This is the written truth about my disease.

This Step will very likely bring up some uncomfortable feelings as you see the truth written before you. I have spent afternoons at my sponsor’s home writing my inventory while he worked in his yard or another room. Just having him close by gave me a sense of safety that allowed me to trudge through the pain, fear and shame. I have written other inventories at “workshops” where a group of recovering people have met at a picnic shelter in a local park and supported each other as we wrote about some really painful experiences. Church basements, private homes, or similar gathering places allow us to do together what we cannot do alone.

Do not be surprised if some of this work arouses or triggers lust. Lust was my reaction to almost any strong emotion for most of my life. If it happens to you, when you are writing on this or any of the later Steps, take a break and thank God for reminding you that you are a real sexaholic.

Once I had written these lists, I sat down with my sponsor to review them. He confronted me on some items where I seemed to be enjoying the “shock value” rather than seeing my powerlessness and unmanageability. He helped me word the examples in a way that told the truth, without embellishment or drama, and respected the feelings of the group members who would hear my 1^st Step.

The idea of sharing the shameful secrets I had written did not appeal to me. People in this fellowship speak of leading with their weakness. Where I grew up, revealing a weakness was like bleeding in front of a school of sharks. I was also afraid that after I shared some of the violent, abusive details of my acting out, I would be asked to leave. Had I thought that I could recover without the support of the group, I would have refused (or at least postponed) presenting this Step to the group. However, my fear of returning to my acting out was greater than my fear of how the group might respond.

The support and acceptance I received from the group as I shared my 1^st Step broke through much of the fear and shame I was carrying. I began to believe that I was no longer alone; that I had found a group of people who understood my problem and welcomed me. Immediately after I finished sharing, a man who had come into the fellowship shortly after I did, told me that I had just told his story. Seeing the loving response of the group, he was less frightened to share his 1^st Step. This reduction of shame, fear, and isolation is one of the greatest benefits of the 1^st Step. Another is that if you are thorough in this effort, you will have written evidence of the nature and severity of your condition. You will begin to see the truth about yourself and your addiction.