My Ninth Step amends were about changing behaviors on a regular basis for years.

One of the things I do when making amends is to write on an index card:

1) How I’ve harmed the person. This is different than a confession. For instance, my acting out behaviors endangered my spouse physically and wrecked her emotional security. My lying compounded this and caused her to question her sanity. This is what I tell her.

2) I ask her if there are any other ways I’ve harmed her that I may not know of (she usually has several). And I listen until she is done talking.

3) I ask her what I can do to right these wrongs. I write down what she tells me. This has nothing to do with forgiveness.

4) I discuss this list with my sponsor, and we work on a plan to put these into action. Some are not possible, and some I am not yet willing to do. There are small actions I can take on a daily basis. They demonstrate that I have changed, that I’m not just the same person going through the motions to get off the hook, but someone who is willing to live life on a different plane.

It’s not easy, but this, more than anything, is where my life and attitude began to change.