That’s the message my addicted mind keeps trying to send to my Higher Power. It has never ceased to amaze me how God lets me get away with being as stupid as I want to be sometimes! It reminds me of the movie “Bruce Almighty,” in which a man thought he could do a better job than his Higher Power—and he got the chance to prove it. Just like that movie, I have learned that I am no match for the awesome power of my Creator.

The sexaholic in me likes to remain just under the surface like an abscess, ready to jump to the surface and create infection in mind, body, and spirit. It creates havoc in my willingness to surrender because my addiction knows that I have a “God complex.” I have this desire to control every aspect of the day because I believe I become empowered if I have control. My addict does not like to be placed behind anyone or anything else.

My life has revolved around defective thinking and actions: the next sexual conquest, the next pornographic picture, the next sexual fantasy. The priorities of real life had gotten pushed to the side in favor of the next sexual “fix.” I truly did trade the real for the unreal, and I have paid a tremendous price for my choices.

One of the hardest things I have had to face is the devastation I have left behind in the search for the Holy Grail of Sexual Utopia. I have suffered the loss of friends, jobs, trust, money, time, and, most of all, the faith my family had in me. These are losses that I never counted on.

Sobriety does not come easily. It comes with a price tag. First, I had to admit that I had a problem. I knew that, but as long as no one else knew, it was not a problem! Then the worst part for me happened. I had to admit that I was powerless over my addiction. How can a person with a God complex admit that he is powerless? Talk about internal conflict!

Only through the actions of working the Steps, listening to my sponsor, attending meetings, and sharing with others the wonderful gifts of recovery have I been able to remain sober for eight years. Sobriety is something I deal with each day because it is a daily process. I can’t afford to look ahead to what may happen. I can only surrender the day to my Higher Power because in reality He is the one in control, and I must remember this always.