Mark told me once that no one ever died from sex. He said, “Alcohol, on the other hand, will kill you. It’s a chemical fact. If I drink I’ll die.” What Mark didn’t say was that he was going to die anyway.

Mark was my friend. Funny and smart, he knew so much about so many things that traveling with him was like having my car driven by an encyclopedia. “See those trees over there? They only grow in Colorado, did you know that?”

He had a gift for connecting quickly with people and a contagious smile in his eyes. He would strike up conversations with strangers and within minutes would have them smiling and enjoying their day.

Mark loved food of most any kind and would dream of cooking great gourmet meals or pot roasts, eating cookies or buying brisket. He was a prolific daydreamer.

Mark’s intellect allowed him to dream in ways that most people can’t imagine. Diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2003, Mark got the clinical answer that always eluded him. He really did think differently from other people. The diagnosis explained why he could feel terribly depressed, followed by times of hyperactivity when he couldn’t sleep for days.

Maybe part of Mark loved the active phases. With thoughts coming rapid fire, he would solve world peace while developing a recipe for dinner.

I lost track of Mark in early 2008. We bonded in mid-2007 over our common out-of-control sexual behaviors, and we attended many Twelve Step meetings together. I frequently picked him up at a local coffee shop at 6:00 a.m. He would be waiting with a fresh, steamy cup of java.

Mark loved to drive. I think it helped calm his mind to have something important to concentrate on. I can’t imagine the burden he felt, being able to think, think, think and not have an “off” switch. Sex could have been that switch. If you’re Mark, how do you give that up? Driving brought peace from the noise. Peace from his brain’s zillions of thoughts. Maybe he felt that he could temporarily re-format his mind, creating a time and place where all things were possible. But in my experience, it is a re-format illusion. The “data” always returns, and I feel more confused and powerless than before.

Today I am at the 15th Street Club downtown. They’re having a special meeting tonight. Our brother Mark is gone.

Mark dropped out of the sex-addiction program and continued to help his alcoholic brothers. But some people here say he changed over the years. He wasn’t around as much and had lost something in those eyes.

What killed him? I believe it was his heart. Some say it was a fast-moving cancer, but I am betting on the heart. His heart was so big, so giving, and so broken.

Was this Mark’s destiny? Did God bless everybody with big hearts or hyper intelligence? Over the years, were there signs, warnings, and omens of God’s will and grand plan for Mark?

I remember back in 2007 hearing a veteran AA member share something like, “If I drink, I’ll die. If I don’t drink, I’ll die.” Mark told me that no one ever died from sex. But he was wrong. For years, men and women have died from AIDS, syphilis, hepatitis-C, and other conditions resulting from their lust-based sexual acting out. Besides, living a life without living in God’s will is not a life. It’s a sentence, something to get through and endure. It’s the ultimate con: “If I act out, I’ll never die.”

God’s will is never easy. My journey teaches me that God requires faith in the uncertainty of life and the courage to ask, “God, what is your will for me today?” Today I hear, “Leave the comfort of darkness for the unknown territory known as growing up.”

God bless you Mark. I miss you.