One Day Silent SA Retreat, Pacific Northwest, October 2008

On a beautiful October weekend in the Pacific Northwest, eight recovering sexaholics retired to a quiet retreat overlooking the San Juan Islands to spend one day in silence with the God of our understanding, and one more day in thankful and joyous fellowship. For this sexaholic and recovering control freak, it turned into a wonderful exercise in letting go and letting God.

I let go of the ego-driven notion that we needed to spend exactly twenty-four hours in silence. As it turned out, about twenty-one and a half hours seemed to work out just fine for everyone. It also took a lot of the stress out of that extra hour trying to get there through the clogged traffic on the interstate.

I let go of the worry over whether there would be room for everyone, or over whether anyone would show up at all. A few weeks prior I looked into renting a larger facility, but wiser counsel prevailed and we chose to keep it simple. A member stepped forward to offer his vacation property and God provided just the people to fill the space.

I let go of the need to have every minute planned out. Even after some years in the program, I still maintain a healthy respect for the challenges of unstructured time. However I’m also growing in the ability to trust the God of my understanding with my will and my life—and my time.

I’m also growing in my ability to trust God with my fellows in the program. I definitely had my doubts when pumpkin soup appeared on the menu, but it turned out that our trust in Steve’s culinary talents was amply justified. I was in some fear when I saw the Sunday morning hike suddenly become a kayak trip, but again, a bit of trust in my Higher Power, and in the skill and judgment of our host, was rewarded with a glorious new perspective on another corner of my world. I did appreciate that our host waited till halfway through the trip to regale us with stories of past disasters in the wild. He did, after all, live to tell the tale. That’s a reminder I get every time I hear a First Step.

I let go of the compulsion to try to use the weekend to “catch up”—to rehash neglected Step work or program reading or any number of other goal-driven habits of mine. Miraculously, at least most of the time, I was able to simply ask God for the next thing He had for me.

Most of all, I let go of the fear of being alone with myself and with God. It turns out I really am an OK person to hang out with if I give myself half a chance.

I also let go of my need to win at Apples-to-Apples and was rewarded with an admittedly awesome performance in Uno. I especially thank God for seven fellow sexaholics with the willingness to forgo their own agenda, at least for one weekend, on the off-chance of discovering some of God’s agenda.