In January 1994, I attended my first SA convention in Rochester, NY. After the Friday evening session, I joined a small group of people standing around Roy. I’ve been fortunate on a few occasions to meet certain rare individuals who have the true gift of presence. Roy was one of them. I was struck by the clarity in his eyes, the openness of his face, and the direct way he spoke. When he asked, “How are you doing?” there was no sense of small talk in the question. We were immediately talking about the life-and-death issues of sobriety, recovery, and serenity. The conversation lasted only a few minutes, but I knew that I wanted what Roy had.

The next day, Roy spoke after the noon meal. He emphasized the importance of “taking the actions of love,” and that if we do so “the feelings will follow.” He said that, for him, he never had the feelings first. He always had to make himself take the actions of love first, and then the feelings might follow.

At the time, I had been in SA for only 21 months, and sober for the last 11 of them—whereas Roy had a dozen or more years of sobriety. I thought that at his stage he couldn’t possibly be completely serious about having to take the actions first. I thought he might be sharing that for the sake of the newer members, so that we might identify a bit more with his story.

But I held on to those words of his, and as time went by I gradually came to see that what he said was not only completely true, but that most importantly it was true for me. Taking the actions, even when I don’t feel like it, has become an essential part of my own road to recovery.

I learned something else from Roy a few years later. I called him on the phone one day during a difficult relapse period that I was in. He asked me to tell him what was happening, and I began talking about my lack of sobriety and what I was trying to do about it. After a few minutes, Roy cut me off abruptly, saying in a sharp voice: “Why did you call me?” He sounded angry, and I said nothing for a moment; but then it occurred to me to ask him: “What do you hear in my voice?” He said, “What I hear is I, I, I, I, I. I’m doing this, I’m doing that. If it’s you that’s doing everything, you’ll get nowhere, because you haven’t surrendered.” Then we had a long conversation about surrendering to God and what that looks like. This was one of those important milestones on my continuing journey to humility.

Thank you, Roy! After all those years of trudging along with us, I hope you have reached your Happy Destiny.