I’ve heard many times in various recovery programs that “Coincidences are miracles where God chooses to be anonymous.” In my personal experience, that statement has proven to be true.

In December 1999, on an AA spiritual retreat, I disclosed that I was afraid that I was going to get drunk if I did not get my sexual behavior under control. At that time I had 14 years of AA sobriety. There were 24 men on that retreat and one of them just happened to be an SA member (coincidence or miracle?). A few days later, he took me to my first SA meeting, where I got a sponsor and started working the Steps. My wife had absolutely no knowledge of my sex addiction at this time, so both my AA and SA sponsors, in accordance with “A Caution” in the White Book (SA 3), suggested that I not tell her about it yet.

In December 2000, one day short of one year, I lost my SA sobriety big time in a porn shop. I struggled with sobriety until March 2001. Then, beginning in April 2003, I obtained a little over two years of shaky sobriety. By this time, I was feeling like a hypocrite because I still had not revealed any of this to my wife. My SA sponsor told me to get on my knees and tell God that I was ready, and that I would tell my wife when He provided the right time.

On Sunday morning, May 11, 2003, I woke up feeling that I was totally out of control. I knew that I was not fit, either spiritually or emotionally, and that I was in danger of losing my SA sobriety and ultimately my AA sobriety. I picked up the Sunday newspaper and noticed an article about a huge revival meeting that was taking place in San Diego that very day. This would probably be the last West Coast appearance of this well-known evangelist. I had never been to a revival meeting of any kind, but that day I felt compelled to go (coincidence or miracle?). I told my wife that I was going, alone, and she said, “Great.”

At the end of the day, the evangelist asked people to come out on the stadium floor to accept God, to renew their faith, or to pray. I had not planned to do anything like that, but I literally felt drawn to go down and pray (coincidence or miracle?). When we were all assembled in front of him, this man asked us to pray for whatever was on our heart. My prayer was, “God I need a miracle and I don’t even know what I am asking for.”

Four days later at an AA meeting, one of my sponsees gave me a book about the “addictive personality” (coincidence or miracle?). When I got home late that night, I threw the book on my desk and went to bed. The next day, Friday, I went to work, then to dinner with an AA group, then to a meeting. I came home late and did not see my wife until the next morning.

The next morning, Saturday, I got up early to mow the lawn and prune some trees, and was outside working when my wife came out. She asked where I had gotten the book on my desk. I said that a sponsee gave me the book, and that he and his wife had read it and thought it was great. She asked if she could read it and I said, “Sure.”

When I finished working in the yard, I put in a new sink. I was done around 8 p.m. and then I showered. When I came downstairs, my wife told me that she had read the entire book, all 120 pages. She said that for the first time in 35 years of marriage she finally understood me, my addictive personality, and why I think the way I do (coincidence or miracle?). She asked me to sit down because she wanted to discuss the book. I was clueless as to where the conversation would go.

My wife said that if she understood the book correctly, it said that after a person with an addictive personality gets one addiction under control, it is very common, almost expected, that another addiction will pop up and take its place. I agreed that was probably correct. She then asked, “So a person could recover from alcoholism and might then become addicted to drugs, food, gambling or sex?” I said, “Yes.” Then she said, “I would like to discuss a secret that has been going on in this house for at least two years if not much longer.” I was getting very light-headed but I agreed. I never took my eyes off of her.

My wife then asked me about a recovery conference I had attended a couple of years before. She said that she hadn’t thought much about it at the time, but then she realized I had never used the phrase “recovery conference” before. In the past, I always said that I was going to an AA conference or convention. She said that when my registration confirmation came back, she noticed that it was from SA, but she thought I must be going for one of my sponsees. “Then,” she said, “it hit me like a hammer that it was for you.”

She said that she went through deep anger, then rage, then fear. She wondered whether I had a disease, or a mistress, or was having multiple affairs. She said that all she could think to do was to get quiet and pray for an answer. “Then,” she said, “I realized that if you were a sex addict you were at least doing something about it. And having seen AA work for over 18 years, I had to have faith that when you were ready you would tell me. So I decided to give you two years, and if you hadn’t told me by then, I was going to buy a book on sex addiction and confront you.”

Amazingly, those two years ended the very same month in which I went to the revival meeting and in which my friend gave me the addictive personality book (coincidence or miracle?). My wife then asked me the $64,000 question: “Are you a sex addict?” I replied, “Yes.” She asked me what that meant, and I explained sexual addiction to her in general terms. I told her that I had been tested for STDs and that I was okay. She asked me whether I had an SA sponsor and an SA home group. I said, “Yes.” By this time we were both crying. We then sat still and said nothing for what seemed like an eternity.

Then she quietly said,” Well I’ve seen the miracle that AA has worked in our lives, and I know that God will get us through this.” I cannot describe the immense relief and gratitude that I felt at that very moment and the deep love that I felt for my life companion. In August of 2010, we celebrated 42 years of marriage.

A few months ago, I overheard my wife talking with her sister on the phone. They were discussing my service work in the Twelve Step programs. My sister-in-law had asked my wife whether she felt second-best. My wife said that she did not. I heard her say, “Steve’s priorities are as follows: God is first, the Twelve Step programs are second, he is third, and I am fourth. However, when he works his program and faithfully keeps that order, then I feel first.” I almost burst into tears. Yes there are true miracles everywhere we look and often they seem to be coincidences . . . but are they?

In January of 2011, God willing, I will have four years of sexual sobriety. For that I am forever grateful to the One who has all power. May we find Him now.