I found SA and started my recovery journey just over three years ago. Going into recovery, I expected to learn just what I needed to do in order to not act out. I soon discovered, however, that the program provides me with tools to better face life and life’s challenges—to be able to actually grow stronger through them, not just get through them. As I began to recognize that my real problem was the spiritual void in my life, I could see that this truly is a journey of recovery, not simply a program of checking the boxes.

When I had been in the program about six months, my father became ill. He spent three months in the hospital before passing away. I recognized during that time just how much SA had changed me and the way I deal with life issues. In the past, day-to-day struggles that are simply a part of life would make me fearful and upset. I would struggle to cope and would turn to my drug to make it through. Yet in facing the experience of my father’s illness and ultimate death, I recognized that I had found a connection with God—the Higher Power that I had knowingly avoided for most of my life.

I say “knowingly” because I clearly remember telling God when I was in my late teens that I believed He existed but that I would never completely surrender my life to Him. I had two reasons for this. First, I feared that He would ask me to give up something I did not want to give up and second, I feared that He would ask me to do things I did not want to do. I had no idea just how deep into spiritual death this life decision would take me.

The connection with God that I’ve found in SA allowed me to get through the pain of losing my father—but more than that, I found that through the pain God was actually drawing me into a greater understanding of my commitment to Him. I began to see that “our change of attitude resulted in commitment of our lives to God” (SA 135). I found that, “The essence of Step Eleven is letting God in through every temptation, emotion, difficulty, success, failure, sadness, and joy. True union with the Source of our lives (SA 141).

I realized through this experience that I was finally embracing the idea that God is for me, and that He will work all things out in my life just the way they need to be, if I let Him. What started out as a willingness to seek a connection with God was developing into a real relationship with Him. I had faced the reality that my old self (the person my addiction had made me) had to die if I was going to truly find life and the freedom it offers.

Now, after just over three years of recovery, I find myself facing another great challenge in which my relationship with God and the truth of my recovery are again being tested. This test comes in the form of another death: this one of my unborn grandson.

My oldest daughter, who was seven months pregnant with her third child, experienced complications and was told that her unborn child would not survive. When I first learned about this, anger began to swell in me and I felt the urge to find someone to blame. This was my old way of coping with situations that were beyond my control. Amazingly, this lasted only moments before I realized that I needed to surrender all these emotions and the whole situation to God—the One Who is in control of all things. Instantly, I felt serenity sweep over me. This was inexpressibly comforting. My focus quickly turned from my own emotions and needs to a desire to reach out and be of help to my daughter. I was amazed by how much change God has wrought in me as a result of my committing my life to Him. For once, I found myself thinking of what I could do for others.

The reality of Step Twelve in practicing these principles in all my affairs brings me to a place of gratitude, recognizing that God has done for me what I could have never done for myself. I now have a greater understanding of the impact that an attitude of gratitude can have on my life and on my journey of recovery. During my times of meditation, seeking to find comfort and understanding in the loss of my unborn grandson, God has helped me to see that He has not only been guiding me through each day of my recovery, but He has also been preparing me for all the events that I would face in my life.

Through death, God has brought me to a complete recognition of the life-giving love He has for me. I find great truth in the closing point of Step Twelve in the White Book, “My own attitude and recovery are the key. They open the door to recovery and spiritual life in my family and larger circle of relationships” (155).

I once heard someone say that gratitude is a constant attitude of thankfulness and appreciation for life as it unfolds. Gratitude is what I feel today as I recognize the love God has for me, which I have learned through the SA fellowship.

With gratitude,