When I was sober just over three months, a younger man asked me to sponsor him. He was shy and new to SA and I didn’t want to say no, so I said that I would be his temporary sponsor. When I called my sponsor to tell him what happened, he seemed skeptical and emphasized that I should definitely think of this as only temporary, since I myself was new to sobriety and Step work. I ended up sponsoring this man for about two years, and we are still friends in recovery to this day.

I believe that I needed that sponsee very much at the time. Just days before, I had asked my sponsor’s blessing (now that I was finally 90 days sober!) to date my ex-girlfriend, and he had advised against it. Though I wanted to lie to myself as I had so many times before, I knew I couldn’t truly work my Third Step and ignore his advice. I remember sitting in my car after that call, crying tears of painful surrender and thinking I wasn’t going to make it in recovery. That was just days before this young man approached me about sponsorship.

I believe God was helping me. And like the flawed human being that I was and still am, I thought, “Heck, when I do eventually get back together with my ex-girlfriend, she’ll be pretty impressed that I have a sponsee and will be convinced of how well I must be doing.”

At first I thought that sponsorship was pretty straightforward; I just acted the way my sponsors acted toward me and tried to speak only from my experience. But I soon discovered that, even in sharing from my own experience, I brought my own personality and character defects into sponsorship. I could not just be a carbon copy of my own sponsor; I would have to develop my own identity as a sponsor. It’s still quite a work in progress.

I have now been gratefully sober for three years. Since I met my first sponsee almost three years ago, over a dozen men have asked me to sponsor them. Though not all of them have stayed with the program, I learned something from each one. I would like to share five lessons I’ve learned about sponsoring in SA. My real purpose in writing this article is the hope that we can create a forum in the Essay for sponsors to share their experience, strength, and hope. I need all the help I can get from those of you with far more experience as sponsors (and I suspect my sponsees will be grateful as well).

1) Use the Slogans. “First Things First” applies to sponsorship in more ways than one. When I’m approached by a potential sponsee and he asks me what comes next, I say, “Call me tomorrow.” In the past I would make a number of other suggestions, but I’ve learned to keep it simple. It’s amazing how many don’t even call the next day! If they do call, I recommend they call me every day (after all, those words were the greatest gift my first sponsor ever gave me). And if they call the day after that, I may recommend some literature such as the White Book and Step into Action: Steps One, Two, Three.

But it’s easy for me to get carried away; I need to remember how overwhelmed I felt when I came into these rooms. If my first sponsor had moved too fast, I might have run in the opposite direction. So I remember to practice “Easy Does It.” “First Things First” also reminds me that I’m in recovery so that I can live and be present in all aspects of my life. I’m careful to balance taking calls from sponsees with being fully present with my wife and friends. (I did marry the girl I had wanted to impress, and a week ago was our 18-month wedding anniversary!) This has taken practice.

2) Sponsoring keeps me sober. This is true in the larger spiritual sense as service is essential to recovery, but it’s also true for me from a purely practical standpoint. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had the thought, “I could act out, tonight” followed by the thought, “But then what would happen to my sponsees?” I have to be in recovery for myself first and foremost, but there’s no bad reason for me to stay sober today (it’s just that some reasons are a little better than others).

3) I cannot be a sponsee’s only support. I remind my sponsees that they should seek a broad network of support from within the fellowship—and I try to practice that myself when seeking advice about tough situations with my sponsees. I also emphasize that they should develop a list of guys they can call who each have a few years of sobriety. I love to hear what they’re learning from others in the fellowship because I usually need to learn or relearn it myself.

4) I can’t keep my sponsees sober. Lately I’ve been learning the painful lesson that I can’t want sobriety for my sponsees more than they want it for themselves. The desire has to come from them. As Tradition Three states, “the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop lusting and become sexually sober.” It’s so simple, yet for me codependency is one of the most challenging aspects of this work.

5) I just keep volunteering. When the meeting chair asks for available sponsors in closing, I just keep volunteering no matter how many “active” sponsees are on my roster. I know this isn’t practical for everyone in SA. My own sponsor counsels me to ask myself whether I can give a new sponsee the attention he deserves. But so far God has been taking care of me, placing a sponsee in my life just at the moment when another sponsee stops calling, or when my own program is feeling vulnerable in some way. I’ve seen the number of my incoming calls fluctuate drastically from day to day and from week to week, so I never assume that being rich in sponsees today is any guarantee for tomorrow. For the time being, I just keep raising my hand.