My name is C. and I’m a gratefully recovering sexaholic from Ireland. Some years ago I heard an old-timer say at a convention that, before he was married, he knew a lot about lust but did not know much about sex. I identified with this because it is also true for me. Through SA I’ve learned that lust and sex are two entirely different things.

When I started dating, I had no plan to get married; it was really a bit of an accident. I was prepared to spend the rest of my life happily being sober on my own. Mainly I just wanted to stay sober above all else.

I was an intense addict. I had a lot of pain from childhood on account of being sexually abused by a male relative when I was six years old. This went on for six years, causing me tremendous psychological pain, and it confused my gender orientation. I continued to act out from that young age, masturbating constantly and acting out with others. I was constantly generating fantasies in my head, and then trying to act on them afterwards. After 28 years of addictive acting out involving same-sex lust and multiple anonymous partners and promiscuous, dangerous activity, I was left quite insane. I was broken and suicidal at the end.

In 1988, some eight years prior to getting sober in SA, I had a four-year relationship with a woman. We had a son together and I wanted to get married, but my disease of sexaholism caused the relationship to break down. The experience was extremely painful. It took me five years to recover from the pain of that breakup. I lost faith in everything, including myself. I thought that I was incapable of being in a normal heterosexual relationship after that. I thought I was too insane to maintain a relationship, and that it would be unsafe for me to risk ever getting married.

I came into SA in 1995, and I had a number of slips until I got sober in 1997. After two years of sexual sobriety in SA, I happened one day to say “Hello” to the woman who lived next door. She was out washing her car, and I just said “Hello”—and she completely ignored me. This was the first time a woman had actually ignored me! Another day she was out hanging up her clothes and I said “Hi,” and then she said “Hi” back—and that was it for a couple of days.

Then a mutual friend invited us out to a concert together. I just happened to be sitting beside this woman and I felt a lovely kind of warm feeling, but it wasn’t lust. It was a peaceful feeling that came over me. It felt joyful. The room sort of lit up and I suddenly had a great feeling in my heart while being in the company of this woman.

I went home and rang my sponsor, thinking he would say “No way. You are not allowed date; not you! You’re too crazy.” But he didn’t say that. Instead he said, “This sounds okay. Keep going and see what happens. Ask her out.” I said, “I don’t know if I can,” because I was afraid. He told me to try it. So I asked her if she would like to go out the next evening to a concert. So we went out, and it felt beautiful, like the closest thing to my Higher Power coming for a visit.

Dating in sobriety was quite different from what I had experienced before. I felt wholesome, clean, and right. But I knew what I had to do in my program, so I said to myself, “I must stay sober or this new relationship will not work out.” For me, that meant not getting physical at all.

For weeks there was nothing but holding hands and the occasional peck on the cheek. She became my girlfriend. She had a different view of sex than I did, but she accepted fully my position that I had to keep good physical boundaries. We just started dating and talking, and we got to know each other, and we fell in love. It was the best experience of my life. I was smiling all the time. People were asking me what had happened that I was smiling all the time. It was precious. I felt my Higher Power close to me in her presence.

Keeping good sexual boundaries was quite important to me, so I regularly checked in with my sponsor. I did not go into her apartment at night. I was okay sitting in the car chatting and looking at the stars with her or whatever. But if we started to get physically aroused, I would stop and say, “I’ve got to go now.” I knew that if I acted out with her my program would go, I would lose my sobriety, and then everything else would go. I would be back to acting out in the old way, and I would probably lose everything. I had to commit to sobriety 100%.

After about three months of dating her, my sponsor said that I should tell her about SA, because it was (and continues to be) a big part of my life. This was difficult, but I knew it was the right thing to do. If she rejected me then at least I could accept it—but we actually got closer after that. She shared with me some of her own life issues, and we started sharing more deeply with each other.

In 1997, she came with me to an SA convention in the south of Ireland—and she got a real shock hearing one SA story after another! It was scary for her, but she became good friends with some of the SA members who are my fellows, and we are still all good friends today.

In the summer of 1998, I proposed to her and we got engaged. We got married 11 months after we started dating. It was quite quick. Sometimes she says to me, “Yes that was too quick,” but marriage has been a fabulous experience of continued growth for both of us.

Being married has helped my SA sobriety. There are always opportunities to be of service in the marriage and in the home. We have two children, and sometimes when they were young, I would get up at night to care for them if they woke up. Sometimes I would help my wife by washing the dishes. I had to stop thinking about myself all the time, and that helped me a lot.

I have changed so much since we got married, and the changes have been for the better. I no longer dwell in isolation. I’m fine being on my own, whereas at the start of my recovery I felt safer when I was around other good people. The people I hung around with before we were married—like my brothers or sisters or being with my girlfriend before we were married—had a good sobering influence on me.

Being with others is better than going off and going into my own head. My sponsor would say, “Do what is in front of you; go home after the SA meeting to your family and sweep the floor, or offer to make tea. See where you can be of service.” Even today my sobriety is enhanced when I am serving others.

My marriage today is a work in progress. Like every other couple we have our issues, but we are willing to work through them. We are committed to each other, and I have remained faithful to my wife, all thanks to SA. Our children are teenagers now, and they are very active, well-balanced young adults. It is a big bonus for them to have a Twelve Step program in our house.

Over the years my wife and I have travelled to several conventions in Europe and have met and spoken with other members and SA couples. That is always a wonderful experience. When I met my wife, my Higher Power gave me a gift to help me grow up!

New members often ask me for advice about dating. From my experience, I believe that SA members who wish to begin sober dating should set good boundaries from the start. I recommend telling the person about SA within a few months so that you each know where you stand. Get your friend to an SA convention or speakers meeting—and if he or she doesn’t run away, then you’re probably on to something good.