Service And The Real Connection

I have been a person who, despite having studied humanistic subjects, always lived a life in which the center of everything was me. I did not serve anyone. Rather, with few exceptions, I served myself all and everything.

Trying to make money, I used many people and things. I worked for money, and although this is not bad in itself, I forgot that work is a service and that is its meaning. Also when I interacted with other people I confused love with lust. I used many people to get pleasure from them, forgetting that they have feelings, they have a history, they are as valuable as any being created by God and they also suffer. Such a life, in which nothing is offered if it is not in exchange for something else, does not make sense. It is a business. A life in which I calculate what I am going to obtain in exchange for what I give is a miserable life, where my egocentricity occupies everything, always trying to take away their personal rewards, their personal gratification.

I believed that in that way I would be safe in life. Only grab and grab. I even invented an idea of God that consisted of believing in Him and, in exchange for my belief, He was obliged to supply me in all my whims and needs. And I reached many goals, always with the conception of what life was for me: a business. But, I have to admit that I never managed to stop feeling empty. Being a sexaholic, that emptiness I tried to fill with lust and anonymous sex. That brought me difficulties to form a stable and healthy relationship, and also brought problems in my profession. In a short time I lost control and many imprudent things came to light. So everything ended, as it is understandable that it would end. My selfishness was the worst act of love that I could do towards myself. Actually, it was not an act of love. It was my way to destroy me. It is somewhat paradoxical, but it is so.

Today I am grateful with the SA program and with the possibility of serving. Life is not just about grabbing and obtaining. It consists in serving. Real service does not expect to receive anything in return. However, indirectly, I receive a lot from service, more than I often am aware of. I receive sobriety, recovery, joy, peace, etc… Apparently I am serving other people, but I am really serving myself by ceasing to be selfish.

I can leave my isolation by serving in a meeting, placing the chairs, receiving a newcomer, sponsoring, etc. I can establish real relationships with people who are like me in recovery, and who need help like me. That service fills the infinite void of my spirit more than anything else, because I discover that this selfish being can give disinterested love. I can leave that old shell of fear where I took refuge with my lust, hurting myself. And, in that act of love, I am knowing the face of God.

For these 24 hours today I learn again to serve. Sometimes I do not have the best motives to do it. But it happens to me that if I try to serve, it works by the grace of God. I establish the real connection.

Rafael from Colombia

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