A thought struck me today. Each time I lust or form a resentment, I am trying to hold onto something that is not mine to hold. With lust I am taking the image of the person which prevents me from actually seeing them as a person. With resentments, I am holding onto their defects, which are normally my defects, again preventing me from seeing the person in front of me.

Over the last two years, I have struggled to grasp how to surrender these immediately. These things that I need to surrender, I would rather throw away, hide from, ignore, or run away from. Surrender is far from my first reaction because to surrender means I have to own what I am holding and claim these lust hits and resentments as my own. Then the idea struck me to make the prayer, “God I have this … (resentment/lust)… that does not belong to me. Please receive it from me.”

The image that accompanies this prayer is that of a parent and small child. The parent looks to the child with questioning eyes saying, “Did you take something?” The little kid (me) begins emptying his/her pockets revealing all the things he/she has collected that belong to others. The parent then receives the items. Some of the items the parent passes back to the kid to return to where they belong (amends); others they talk a little about, and yet others the parent explains that they will take care of it. Sometimes the lust keeps coming back or the resentment keeps boiling up, like I keep grabbing out of God’s hands what I have just surrendered. I just need to surrender it again.

Sometimes I get really frustrated that I am struggling to surrender. A good friend asked the question, “If you did not struggle with it, would you have spent the same amount of time relating to God?” The answer normally is no. I am beginning to find some gratitude in the struggle, knowing that God is patiently waiting for me to enter a relationship with Him however I need to.