Dealing With My Pain

Dealing With My Pain

Before joining SA I tried so many times to stop acting out but nothing worked for me, so I used to tell myself that there was no recovery when I heard stories about people who were in recovery. I thought of it as nothing!

At first when I joined SA, my mind refused to believe in the power of this program. I was in total denial. Later on my mind and my ways of thinking started to change. My story started when I admitted that I am powerless over lust. I need a power greater than myself, I need a power greater than my addiction as it was my Higher Power!

I have been a member in SA for about 3 years and sober for over 1.5 years now. To be able to live a better life, my recovery has to come in all three aspects: emotional, spiritual, and physical.

Concerning the emotional aspect, I lived about 25 years in the darkness of my addiction. There were times when I tried to commit suicide. There were times when I cried in pain. I am also a hypersensitive person so I get triggered very easily. So I have to work on all those things.

I lost a lot of jobs in the past. I panicked due to the lack of financial security. I got lots of somatic diseases. The program and therapy taught me how to acknowledge my feelings and how to take care of it. I learnt a lot about the reality of my addiction and the causes of my relapses. I learnt how to describe my emotions and I am still learning.

Right now I am dealing with my PTSD with my therapist. It is a tough journey that needs a lot of vulnerability and courage. I am dealing with lots of hard emotions from my childhood. I am dealing with nightmares. There are times when I feel that I can’t go on anymore, I need to quit, I can’t endure the pain anymore. I get triggered so easily. But there is still hope. SA is helping me to stay sober in spite of all those tough emotions. I have a good supporting system in SA. I have healthy relationships in my life. I am not alone anymore. I have a wonderful therapist who is helping me to go through my traumas using EMDR, trauma-focused therapy, and internal family system.

Concerning the physical aspect, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. It is a chronic pain in all the muscles in my body. There is no radical healing for it. It goes side by side with the mental state. So I have to find a coping mechanism. I can’t move my body when I am struggling with a fibromyalgia flare. I can’t do my favorite activity in life which is photography and art journals as it needs lots of effort and muscle movement. The pain is unbearable. I was on a vacation a week ago. I did a lot of effort to enjoy my time, to hang out enjoying the beauty of nature and taking photos in spite of the pain.

I am proud of myself for my trials. By the help of the program, medication, and therapy, I was able to go through physical therapy. Now I go to the gym regularly to work on my weak body and muscles. At first I wasn’t able to accept that I am different from people at the gym. I can’t do any heavy exercises or movements. I cried a lot. Now I am working on acceptance, I am looking for suitable exercises for me. I believe there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Concerning spirituality, I am developing a healthy relationship with my Higher Power. I have a good concept and image towards my God. He is not the cruel punishing one. He is a kind merciful God. He loves me. He knows what I am going through. He is there for me all the time. He is helping me to have a better life. Now I am a good English teacher with good chances at work. I have no struggle with the lack of financial security. He gives me many blessings. There are times I feel resentful over my Higher Power, but the program, my supporting system, and therapy are helping me to go back on track. I attend meetings with the Plainview Seaford group. They are amazing members. I have a good sponsor. Her name is Nicole and she is so helpful. She understands me very well and encourages me going through therapy and deeper work. I have an amazing friend too. She is so helpful.

To be honest, life is not easy. Life is hard. Recovery is hard too. It needs surrendering, acceptance, connection, and acknowledgement. Sometimes I feel that I am bored so the voices of my addiction are telling me to quit therapy and recovery, even to quit life. I know that is not an option for me. I should go through the recovery process. It is my journey in life. I am so grateful that I am working on the deeper things to be better and to have a more stable life.

Samar G., Cairo, Egypt

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