I was unmarried when I entered SA at the age of 26. I got sober and stayed sober though several dates and relationships. I met my wife after 16 years of sobriety. I remained sober through our courtship and 12 years of marriage (so far).

Before recovery, I had several short-lived relationships. They were more like sex-ships, because there wasn’t much relating involved. They were like one-night stands that lasted a few months too long. Some were driven by lust from the beginning. Others started out more emotional and romantic, but quickly became all about sex after our first night together. I only stayed in the relationship for sex, or because I did not want to be alone again. It was always up to the girlfriend to sense my emotional distance and initiate the breakup. Even before that point, though, I was looking around to see who could be next.

I joined AA when I was 22. I thought that quitting drinking would solve my relationship problems. It didn’t. In fact, my acting out increased since I had one less drug in my life.

When I joined SA, I didn’t like that SA’s bottom line included no sex before marriage. I had no desire to get married at the time, but I wanted to have a healthy sexual relationship… eventually. I realized at that time I was too sick to be dating. So, I was okay with the sobriety definition for the time being. I later grew to appreciate the merits of celibacy in recovery.

The White Book says, “For the unmarried sexaholic, sexual sobriety means freedom from sex of any kind” (SA, 191). Freedom! To me, it meant freedom from all the foolishness and confusion that goes along with premarital sex. Beforehand, there are the games, the teasing, and trying to read her mind. Afterward, there is the wondering if there’s a chance of pregnancy or an STD, if my feelings are genuine or had been “manufactured” by the sex act, and if this is the beginning of a relationship or just a one-night stand. When I started dating in sobriety, I didn’t have to deal with any of that because I was committed to sobriety. Free from that intrigue, it was much easier to determine whether or not someone was right for me. My judgment was not clouded by lust and sex. I avoided women who were immodest in their dress and behavior. And, of course, if she did not respect my desire for sexual sobriety, the relationship would be over.

Many SA sponsors recommend that single members stay away from dating until they have at least a year of sobriety and have worked through the Steps (that includes making as many of one’s Ninth Step amends as presently possible). That’s my recommendation as well. I believe we attract people who are at the same emotional maturity level as us. That means the healthier we get, the healthier our dates get. When I was still in my disease, my relationships were unhealthy. Some were codependent, some were superficial, and some were unfaithful. In fact, I didn’t have what I would call a healthy, honest, loving relationship until I had six years of sobriety, which was long after completing Step Nine. It only lasted a year, but it gave me hope that I could one day have a long-term partner.

Looking back, I find that all the time and energy I spent “looking for that special someone to love” in my early recovery was wasted. Later, I redirected that energy toward trying to become worthy of that special someone. I worked the Steps, sponsored others, and did service, all with a goal of becoming a man of integrity, honesty, and compassion. Eventually, that special someone appeared when I wasn’t looking!

When I was ready to start dating, I looked for opportunities to meet new people, but they centered around activities that I like. I went on group hikes. I joined a group that plays board games. I started folk dancing. These are all activities I enjoyed thoroughly even when I didn’t meet anyone new. But when I attended an event with an expectation (a.k.a., a premeditated resentment) of meeting the woman of my dreams, I got upset when that didn’t happen. I learned to let it go and just enjoy the moment. Every now and then I would meet a woman I was interested in, get her number, and ask her out. Some women I only had one date with. With others I had a series of dates.

The irony is that I couldn’t have a healthy relationship with any woman until I got to the point in my recovery where I didn’t need a woman in my life to feel fulfilled! When I believed I had to have a girlfriend or wife to be complete, I was needy and demanding with women. I had to surrender the expectation (there’s that word again) of ever getting married, or even having sex again! There are no guarantees in life. I concluded that even if I were to stay single, I would still have a satisfying life. My job, home, family, neighbors, friends, religious community, recovery community, and hobbies all added up to the rich and full life of a single, celibate sexaholic.

Many years after that surrender, I met the woman who would become my wife at our place of worship. We started out as friends. We would chat after our Sunday worship meetings. That evolved into walks, coffee, evening dates, then whole days together. After about a month of dating, I told her I was in SA and I will not be having sex until I am married. I was scared. I didn’t know if she could accept this. To my surprise, she said she was relieved! She wasn’t ready for sex yet either. I have discovered that, contrary to what is depicted in TV and film, there are a lot of women that are perfectly fine with waiting until marriage to have sex. During our courtship, we agreed on a set of rules to reduce our sexual temptations. We avoided touching certain body parts, undressing in front of each other, and lying down together.

We have a happy marriage today. It is built on a foundation of mutual respect, honesty, and love. We don’t criticize each other’s programs. We support each other. I believe this process happened in God’s time. We both had to go through everything we experienced before meeting each other, in order to be prepared for what we have now.

In the end, I have learned to be more patient. God’s plan is revealed to us one day at a time.