He found he could give himself entirely to this program on a solid foundation of honesty. 

When we read “How it Works” from the AA Big Book, I am encouraged by how little stands between me and recovery! Even being gravely emotionally and mentally disordered is not an obstacle (whew!). The one condition? To give myself to “this simple program” of the Steps.

A riddle: On August 10, 2020, I relapsed within the same 48 hours of calling into meetings, working with a new sponsee, calling my sponsor, and recently making amends! What happened?

Short answer: what I did NOT do was ask my sponsor if what I was planning to do was a good idea. I did not admit to myself that (a) this activity opened a path to deliberate self-stimulation, and (b) that was why I was drawn by it (the “tease, intrigue, and forbidden”). Instead, I thought of the addict’s four most dangerous words: I. Can. Handle. This. 

Something had to change. I needed a sobriety that rested on a strong and sure foundation, not one that lived under the shadow of the possibility of acting out. I already had around 15 years of the white knuckling two step program of relapse (Step One: I’m the worst! Step Two: God, fix me! Relapse and repeat.). I was tired of “my program” that only worked some of the time, frightened by how easily I had returned to the powerful and isolating darkness of this disease, and I had no effective defense!

Where was the answer? What do I need to give for this Program to work? Hours of writing? Calls? Daily actions? These help to the extent they are occasions for what I truly need to give: myself. “Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves” (AA 58). What stands between me and recovery? Lying. (Joke: “How do you tell if an addict is lying? His lips are moving!”). I learned to cope in the world by hiding from you, from God, and most of all, myself! “Lying” is just another way to spell “hiding.” How can I give what I hide?

The path to freedom lay in simple, direct honesty. First, I invited God to lead this whole process. I decided to accept whatever He revealed. I just wanted peace. Then I read “What is Sex with Self?” (Practical Recovery Tools 13) and asked myself that question. “Technical sobriety” gave no peace. Once I admitted I had relapsed, peace flooded back, and I became aware of God’s loving presence in and around me. Everything was going to be OK. I could feel the path to a new, clean life open up. 

When I’m in His Presence, God communicates Higher Power, and I don’t desire to lust. There really can be a daily reprieve from the obsession. But I cannot receive this if I’m blocking the HP channel with lust/ego noise. “There could be no relief from the obsession of lust while still practicing the acts of lust” (SA 158). Where was I lust-drinking? Was I ready to be done, and turn them over in action to my sponsor and HP for direction? I began again from Step One, committed to honesty (with myself, sponsor, and God) and willingness (to take action).

I knew what I had to stop. Some obvious: browsing media in hopes of “stumbling” across something. I needed to be done with that attitude (the “right” to browse) and action (getting on specific sites/times I don’t need to). Some less obvious: getting ego hits by condemning others to avoid fears. 

Once I accepted, I needed help at this drastic level (to be relieved of the obsession before the first drink of lust/resentment!) I became open and started getting help. Today, my recovery rests on a strong, peaceful foundation—His care.

The work of the Steps is a work of honesty. Even at its most intense, I’ve found it carries a deep, quiet joy because it turns out that I am made to live in the truth, not a lie. (Proof: It is harder work to keep convincing myself that my lies are true!). And happily for this otherwise hopeless sexaholic, the promise of “How it Works” is not a lie: “God could and would [relieve my sexaholism] if He were sought” (AA 60).  Thank You, God.