I came to SA to save my marriage. I was addicted to sex with my wife and she could not tolerate it anymore. The emptiness left inside from the divorce was so great that no amount of sexual acting out could fill it. It was at this bottom that I got my current sexual sobriety. I accepted the fact of my addiction and knew deep in my heart that sexual sobriety was the only solution.

In my first year I admitted to myself and others that I was a woman hater. The kind of pornography I sought, the fantasies that bombarded my mind, and the way I treated my wives, could no longer be swept away as insignificant. When I accepted this truth about myself, the healing began. In my second year I admitted my romance addiction. I found it more embarrassing to admit my addiction to soap operas and romantic movies than to my various sexual perversions.

With almost two years of sexual sobriety in SA I began to date. I was in love, committed to marriage (on the second date) and so was she. So why couldn’t we have sex? We didn’t know the answer, and we did not debate the issue, we just stayed sober. It has been four months since we broke up, and I’m beginning to see the value in not having sex before marriage. While we were dating we often talked about what wasn’t happening. We weren’t being possessive, petty or jealous. There was no push/pull manipulation that was so much a part of my past. Throughout my sobriety I had developed a strong support system within the fellowship. I continued to deepen these friendships, and to establish new ones, while we dated, and when the breakup happened I was hurt, but not devastated because I was not alone. My vision was not blurred by sexual obsession, and she was not a sexual fix for me. When it became clear that we were not right for each other, we talked it out, and parted as friends.

There is nothing easy about going through adolescence as an adult. I know how well sex works to relieve the anxiety and confusion associated with growing up. There is something about sex for me as a sexaholic that has short-circuited my ability to commit to a responsible, healthy, growing relationship. Just like I want the wisdom of years of sobriety in months of not acting out, I want to experience years of sober interaction and all the struggle and frustration it entails, in a few months of dating. I want to date for a while, get married and have sex. I don’t want to give it time. I feel I need to be in control and to make the decision as to when I will meet someone, how long we will date and when we will get married. Realizing my powerlessness in this area comes from trying to control and failing. I felt I had met the perfect woman for me and that I could make an honest commitment to her and to raising a family.

I see now that I am just coming out of denial about how much of a commitment phobic I have been all my life. I am beginning to understand commitment by practicing it. I am committed to feeling the emotional pain of life without resorting to drugs or lust. I am committed to staying sober and helping others to achieve sobriety, and I am committed to the growth and awareness that comes from not having sex before marriage. Commitment to sex led me to SA, commitment to a spiritual connection with people and sexual sobriety has led me to life.

Please note: The comments in group news and sharing from members are taken from letters received by the Central Office. If you do not want to be quoted in the Essay, please indicate that in your letter.