One of the greatest gifts in recovery for me has been the realized hope for freedom. I say “greatest,” because I didn’t believe it was possible for me to have freedom from the obsessions and compulsions of my addiction. As an addict I am powerless over lust, so what hope could I have? As I sat in meetings in the earlier years, most of us were still showing up week after week to report on our latest acting out episodes. I and they clearly had no hope for freedom.

But, there it was in the literature: “If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are halfway through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.” (AA 83, “The Promises”) “We discovered that we could stop, that not feeding the hunger didn’t kill us, that sex was indeed optional. There was hope for freedom, and we began to feel alive.” (SA 204) There were, of course, those few members who somehow had realized the “hope for freedom” that the rest of us said we wanted, and never saw happen.

As for me and perhaps for the others as well, I now know that it was because I still wanted to play with lust, and not have to suffer the consequences. I wanted to be free from lust’s power, and still depend on my own power to win the battle. I wanted God’s help, and still wanted to avoid turning my will and life over to Him. I wanted to be rid of the habit, and still be able to keep the rest of my life running on my terms. “If we want the old life intact, simply minus the habit, we don’t really want healing, for our sickness is the old way of life.” (SA 143)

Immersing myself in the literature, going to meetings, and working the 12 Steps as my sponsor told me to do them was the key to beginning to have hope for freedom. And that hope has been realized. Today, God gives me freedom from lust and the obsessions and compulsions of my addiction! It is true. It will happen. But it comes at a price, a price I now wonder why I ever questioned if it was worth paying.