In my experience, I see sobriety as a calm lake that reflects a blue sky, without clouds, without anxiety. I remember that when I had a relapse it was as if someone (myself) had thrown an immense rock and the waters on the surface of the lake were shaking, leaving my mind, my sensations, confused and altered, with anxiety to consume more and more. I had lost my peace. I was like a sick man when he entered intensive care. I should not have anything within reach that detonated me, however insignificant.

It is true that in the period of sobriety I must take care of myself with equal effort. But having relapsed was more vulnerable, because he had awakened the compulsion that now demanded to consume and consume. Knowing that I could not fight, I surrendered. Looking at those thoughts, those feelings, accepting my helplessness was like bringing them to light or surrendering. The fact of observing them in that way deprived them of the power they had to drag me into their current. And little by little, as that distance grew, with the passing of days or weeks without consumption, by the grace of God the lake returned to its stillness, to its peace.

After the relapse I was filled with anger. I was caught in guilt, resentment towards myself and anger at having yielded to temptation. On one occasion, after a relapse, I reacted so violently to something insignificant someone did, that I was amazed. Why did I behave in that way, if I tend to be rather calm and introverted? Then I discovered the reason. I felt hate towards myself for having relapsed, but I kept it hidden. As I was afraid to admit it because that meant experiencing the pain of deep disappointment. Relapse always leaves sequels. It is not something that happens and I follow life as if nothing happened. I cannot give what I do not have, it is said in the White Book. Having no peace, what else could he give?

However, this did not justify my violent behavior. Understanding it only helps me be more responsible and aware. From these episodes I began to see clearly that my relationships with others depend on the sobriety and recovery I have. If I am not sober, it is impossible that there can be peace in my relationships, it is impossible to contact the real in me and the real in another. If my sobriety is negative, the most likely result is that others suffer the consequences and are victims of my lack of control. Sometimes these consequences appear disguised as all kinds of feelings such as: anxiety, anger, foul moods, nonconformity, intolerance, etc. That is the power of this disease (and my irresponsibility) that distorts everything to the point of not being able to see clearly in myself, and only reacting to those consequences without realizing what is happening to me.

As it is said in many spiritual traditions, others are our mirrors, reflect our defects with greater clarity, and when we talk about them we do not realize that we are talking about ourselves. That is why the change in my relationships depends on me. It starts in my attitude. My relationship with others shows me as a mirror the kind of sobriety that I have.

The program tells me that I do not need to relapse. If I do not need to relapse, I do not need to hate myself or hate others. If every day I exercise in the program like someone who goes to the gym and stays in good spiritual shape, that calm lake of positive sobriety will reflect, little by little. Positive sobriety will positively affect my relationships, not because of the knowledge I have of the program, but only because of my commitment to it.