Hi, my name is Yitzy and I’m a sexaholic. My sobriety date is October 30, 2018. My home group is ESH of Brooklyn, NY. I have a sponsor and I have taken all 12 Steps and I sponsor others. I would like to thank my Higher Power, who I choose to call God for allowing someone like me to have this amazing experience with dating in recovery and to be able to share it with others.

Part of my story is that I couldn’t get sober until I had emotional sobriety. I was sober from the beginning until 14 months later when I had my last relapse. I was not in fit spiritual condition.

At some point, a close program friend suggested that I was emotionally mature enough to start dating. I spoke to my therapist and he agreed. When I came back to him a few weeks later I realized that I was ready because at the time nothing was really happening and that was okay.

At that point I had already been through the 12 Steps and was actively trying to practice the 36 spiritual principles of the Steps, Traditions and Concepts in my daily life. I was attending meetings, practicing prayer and meditation as a daily discipline and actively sponsoring as many people as I could. My work and school life were going well and I was financially stable. My life was clearly being managed by my Higher Power.

Then I met a girl and things got serious pretty quickly. As we got to know each other I subtly hinted to her that there were important things about my personal life that I wanted to share with her at a later point in time. This process included a lot of prayer, meditation and guidance from others in the fellowship about their own personal experiences until I eventually I felt guided enough on how to move forward with this.

A long term sober friend gave me two very helpful suggestions. First, he said, don’t call it an addiction, call it a problem or a struggle. People tend to get scared when they hear the word addiction. And secondly, it’s not a disclosure. A disclosure is when you betray a spouse’s trust. Instead, you are sharing a meaningful and important part of your life with her.

We went out to a hotel bar which was the perfect environment for sharing. My Higher Power made sure of that! I began to share with her how lust and pornography etc. has been my coping mechanism for many years. I had no shame sharing this with her and I was completely centered in God. Also, I have made it a practice to pray and meditate in silence for about ten minutes in before going on a date, especially before this one.

After I shared all this with her she thanked me for my honesty and vulnerability. She then asked me a few questions which I answered honestly. I told her that I didn’t mind, as long as she was okay with hearing the truth. One of her last questions was, “So this support group you go to for help, is it something like Sexaholics Anonymous?” I kind of freaked out and laughed at the same time. God has a great sense of humor.

Several weeks later, she came back to me with two more questions. If I relapse, what will happen? And, if I spend so much time helping others with the Steps (she knew my recovery schedule) how will I have time for her?

To her first question, I simply said the truth. There are no guarantees that I will stay sober. If I continue to live the way I do now and grow spiritually, there is a good chance that I’ll stay sober for good. To her second question, I assured her that I will make her a priority in my life.

The Big Book promises in the Tenth Step (pages 84-85) that if I keep in fit spiritual condition, my obsession with lust will be removed. I will be placed by my Higher Power in a position of neutrality, safe and protected from lust. This girl I was dating was very pretty and I did not lust after her even once, even when we were hugging or kissing. I was completely connected and in the present moment. Sometimes it was so intense that I felt I would need to act out. But as I was in fit spiritual condition, by God’s grace, it did not happen.

She was impressed by how I really stuck to the spiritual principles of the program while dating her. My feeling is that only after I’ve been taken to that position of neutrality was I able to start dating. I had to use the tenth step quite often while dating because apparently girls have emotions that they share with you when you’re in a romantic relationship. And if I wasn’t spiritually fit I probably would have fallen apart emotionally.

After five months of dating we were about to get engaged. She broke up with me. She had trauma that didn’t allow her to commit to taking our relationship to the next level. It has been about a month or so since this happened. It still hurts at times, like tonight, as I’m sitting here on my bed as I’m writing this.

I’ve come to realize that my main growth over this past month has been through working the program, being honest about my feelings, sitting with my feelings and not trying to escape them.

I feel that I have grown in my recovery over this past month more than any other month because going through this experience took my recovery to the next level. Life wasn’t going the way I wanted and I still worked the program and it worked for me.