I am a 50-year-old man in Poland, sober since 2011. I came to the Fellowship in 2007. My first significant stretch of sobriety was for 2.5 years starting in April 2008. Then I ended up in a psychiatric hospital diagnosed with severe depression. I lost my sobriety there, but I immediately reached out to the Fellowship again and found a sponsor. I started the Program all over again. I have been sober ever since.

I was oblivious to how insidious my disease was before coming to SA. I didn’t even know I had a disease. It started with lust attacks when I was 4 or 5 years old, I don’t know what else to call them. They were pleasantly intense but also totally overwhelming, and I still don’t know where they came from. I wasn’t exposed to inappropriate material or language. I never acted out during these spells until I was 13. At that point, I experienced what I now call “undirected lust” because it wasn’t really connected to thoughts, images, fantasies, or memories. My early memories of “directed lust” were more passive (wanting to be lusted after). That’s when I sexualized the funeral of my grandfather, which I didn’t even attend. But once I physically acted out at 13, I was hooked immediately on something I could “direct” my lust on.

I started to act out with myself on a daily basis, and soon I was actively searching for pictures of nudity and articles about sex. This included scientific books that surely weren’t intended to trigger anyone. They triggered me, though, immediately and totally. My first sexual experience was with a student of my own sex at 17. I knew him from back in primary school when, even at that age, he triggered my lust. It seems strange to me now, because I’ve never considered myself homosexual, and most of my later acting out was with women.

When I turned 18 and got some birthday money, I immediately spent it all on sex from a sex worker. I remember I couldn’t wait to turn 18 so I could legally buy sex and pornography. Once I became a legal adult, I spent all my money—both gift money and what I lived on—on sex services and porn. The first time I got access to a pornographic movie, I watched it until dawn, and then I was barely able to make it to school.

I quickly lost interest in what’s considered normal or acceptable sex. I switched to more and more perverse material. I even started to act out what I saw with sex workers for money. The scenes became more and more degrading. At the time, it seemed pleasurable to me, though also overwhelming. In spite of this apparent pleasure, I started to feel shameful and guilty about all the time and money I was spending on it and also about the behavior itself. At this time, I began to pursue girls on a dating level. I didn’t have enough courage to properly express my feelings for them. But the more I used pornography or bought sex, the more courage I seemed to have to flirt with and seduce women.

The level of lust and the frequency of sexual acting out increased over time. With the advent of faster Internet, I had everything I could think of at my disposal—at any time and in any quantity. Despite that, I could never get enough. Meeting my wife and getting married at 30 didn’t even change things. I promised myself that I would not cheat on her and that I’d restrict my lust activities to the Internet only, and that I’d stop buying sex and engaging in such perversion. But no promises or firm resolve ever worked. The lust and the pursuit of sexual activities was indispensable to me—something I could rely on when the real world seemed unbearable. It became my only source of relief, but it also made me more tense, fearful, and shameful—something I realized much later in sobriety.

In 2005, I began spending even more time on lust and acting out. At one point I got so scared of what I was watching (and for how long) that I thought I was demon-possessed. I went into a church even though I’ve never been a church-goer.

In 2007, I finally realized I was addicted when preparing for an important professional exam. I spent more time on pornography than studying. In 2008 it got so bad that I didn’t take time to work, sleep, or even eat properly. I was acting out almost all the time. I now find the story of Bill W.’s and Dr. Bob’s last drinking days to be very reflective of my situation. Having learned in my profession about the dismal prognosis for addicts, I realized I was doomed and sought out Sexaholics Anonymous.

Thankfully, I found the SA website, found some meetings and their locations, and started attending. I could only stay sober for a week at most when I didn’t go to meetings, but when I kept attending meetings, I stayed sober for three weeks. Acting out stopped producing desirable effects and felt extremely degrading. Now I really wanted to stop, but I couldn’t. This is when I asked someone to sponsor me, and I started to work the Steps. After working Step One the first time, I miraculously stopped acting out. This happened again when I reset my sobriety in 2011 in the hospital.

When I was without the Fellowship and the Program (especially the effects of Step One), I was powerless over lust, and I just had to act out. When I completed my Step One and had regular contact with new fellows, I was as powerless as before but didn’t have to act out. I call it my “slight but revolutionary shift in consciousness.” In SA, I discovered what became the foundations of my sobriety and recovery: meetings, service, sponsorship, working the Program, and reading literature. Since I’m so stubborn, I do all these things regularly, and it somehow keeps me sober. This has saved my life and, along with outside help, makes it less miserable and even enjoyable.