I’ve had several conversations over the last 24 hours about Step One. It seems that everything right down to the core of my being resisted admitting my powerlessness. This has been, quite possibly, the biggest hurdle in my recovery journey. Admitting complete defeat felt like dying, it felt like I’d be giving up, it felt like the end. And it was the end—the end of my old life and the only passageway through which I could be born into the new life. Freedom from the bondage of self is a free gift that can only be accessed by the grace of God. As long as I was trying, wishing, willing, and working to make it happen, it eluded me. It was only when I entered into the despair and hopelessness—the “broken and contrite spirit” (SA, 88) of Step One—that the door swung open freely and God was there. My self-will had been blocking God all that time.

After my last relapse I said to my sponsor, “I don’t know if I’m willing to do what it takes to stay sober.” I had been sober for seven months and in the Program for three years, and I knew what hard work it took: the daily calls and meetings, the nearly constant prayer, and repeatedly surrendering lust. His response has stuck with me to this day. He said, “Well Luke, in my experience I can’t make myself be willing. I just have to pray for willingness.” I immediately felt like a weight was lifted off me, and I realized, Oh yeah, I don’t have to churn this thing out on my own, I just need to ask God for help.

I can’t. God can. He just asks for my cooperation. This experience became a large part of my morning prayer/contract:

God, I surrender my life and will to Your care today for the next 24 hours and commit myself to sobriety—no sex with myself or anyone other than my wife. Whatever I’m really looking for with lust, sex, and pornography and with my other character defects, I pray I would find it in You instead. God, I pray You would keep me sober from my lust today because I cannot, and I pray for the courage and willingness to do whatever You need me to do today to stay sober and maintain progressive victory over lust. Thank You God, for keeping me sober another day, and thank You for bringing me to the place I’m at today.