“Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.” (Step Three)

My family of origin was one of spirituality and firm belief in God. I was taught right from wrong but believed this meant God only loved me if I was doing right. As I grew older and became further trapped in my addiction, I began to live a two-faced life—one of joy on the outside but with a dark secret of shame-filled lust trapped on the inside.

I began to isolate myself and avoid facing my own reality, seeking lust as a way to medicate any emotions but seeking to find power and worth. As the White Book puts it: “‘Please connect with me and make me whole!’ we cried with outstretched arms” (SA, 203). Thus, my belief in God faded, as I never felt I could be loved, and lust became my higher power.

When I began college, I was depressed and considered suicide. I didn’t see meaning in life and felt like a burden to others. I was lonely and desperately desired to be loved. It wasn’t until after my first year that I encountered God in a loving way, through spiritually-filled coworkers at a summer camp. This group of people showed me that I had value, and I began to see God as a God of love. In this, I wanted to be sober from lust and acting out, and I began to earnestly seek sobriety.

Even after this experience, I struggled with lust for four years trying time and time again to be free from it. I could go from weeks to months, but lust always got the best of me. It wasn’t until I heard about the SA program, joined the Fellowship, attended meetings, got a sponsor, and began working the Steps, that things started to change. I breezed through Steps One and Two but hit a roadblock at Step Three.

Step Three—a most difficult step for me. I realized, as I looked at my understanding of God, that I didn’t think He could ever love me. I thought I had to be perfect, and I didn’t want to get in His way. I was a people-pleaser and wanted to please God, so if I fell short, I felt unlovable. In writing a Step Three inventory, I began to dream of what I wished my Higher Power was—a being who was loving and caring for me at all times. Soon, I saw how I had misjudged my Higher Power for years. God is not an angry gatekeeper or record keeper. My Higher Power loves me and wishes the best for me. I simply need to pray for the knowledge of His will and the strength to carry it out.

Although it has taken time to understand Higher Power the way I do now, I’ve learned that I can keep learning more about Him every day. I can experience His love through being real with others in the Fellowship during meetings or phone calls, by receiving and giving sponsorship, and so much more. In working the Program, I went from acting out monthly to having just two slips in the past three years. I’ve learned to take it day by day, moment by moment, and to not be afraid to make phone calls. I can now say that I experience joy in my life and am happy to share it with others.

“We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny. May God bless you and keep you—until then” (SA, 210).