A Great Caution in Amends

While caution is suggested to the newcomer in the beginning of the White Book, similar caution can be found in abundance on Step Nine throughout our literature. 

The caution in the White Book is often directed to new members in our Program. However, several SA-approved readings refer to cautions applicable to the amends process in Step Nine.

One Ultimate Authority, Tradition Two

Prayer is the primary source of guidance in all decision-making exercises in our Twelve-Step program.

A Caution

Repeated disclosures can prove very harmful despite the best intentions. Seeking to respond to my spouse’s request for disclosure, I may overlook an important event, fail to remember it… or lie! Should additional details arise afterwards, expressing them may be problematic. More detailed disclosures are best left until I obtain some sober recovery and stability. Trust in a relationship is important, and re-establishing it will take some time. Honesty and awareness evolve over time as I work through the Program.

Step Nine 

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others (SA 123).

Honesty, which does not have the best interest of the hearer at heart, is a cruel form of selfishness. 

Tradition One

Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends on SA unity (12&12 129).

A premature disclosure without due caution can negatively impact the unity of the family. Unity in the family is an extension of Step Twelve, “practising these principles in all our affairs.”

Step Nine (Amends)

Usually, however, other people are involved…She may insist on knowing all the particulars…We are sorry for what we have done and God willing, it shall not be repeated (AA 79,80).

I spent much of my time lying to my spouse before recovery; a well-intentioned resolution to “tell the truth” can lead to unnecessary, hurtful consequences for a spouse and others. Counsel from others and prayer are crucial to ensure the best spiritual path is chosen to minimize any further damage.

Motives, Step 10

“…we should carefully examine our motives in each thought or act that appears to be wrong…But in other instances, only the closest scrutiny will reveal what our true motives were” (12&12 94)

I’ve found this writing on “motives” to be so helpful in many aspects of my recovery. I can rationalize my choices easily without the input and feedback of other members and professionals. I couldn’t trust my motives, especially in early recovery. I confessed (not disclosed) some of my inappropriate activities to my spouse before finding SA. In hindsight, I believe I confessed to my unsuspecting wife in what the White Book refers to as “attempts to dump our guilt, get back into good graces… another show of willpower” (SA 2).  This painful experience eventually led to our divorce. 

Being caught is not the same as a planned disclosure that has been cautiously prepared with love and input from others.

The List, Step Eight

But we found it wise to discuss the list with our sponsor before taking any action, especially where spouse, children, and former lovers were involved (SA 124).

Being a rebellious sexaholic, my inclination is to move forward on my own, even after 35 years in recovery! 

Into Action

We have no right to save our own skin at another person’s expense. Such parts of our story we tell to someone who will understand, yet be unaffected (AA 74).

My enthusiasm over a new life may not be shared by others, especially those I have hurt. The trap is thinking I am entitled to “better” treatment and forgiveness from my spouse and others once I have begun a “new life” in recovery!

Everyone’s situation when being faced with a disclosure or any form of communication may be different. This is a program of progress and not perfection. “One size does not fit all.”

Some final comments:

Spouses may press for an “honest” sharing or disclosure. Requesting a delay will allow me time to gain further sobriety, stability, and direction, and allow my spouse additional time to source their own support. An introduction to S-Anon is a possibility.

A check meeting with a few other experienced SA members can be arranged by the sponsor, which could help clarify the sponsee’s motives in pursuing a disclosure. Such a discussion will assist the member in determining whether that disclosure should be undertaken and, if so, in an appropriate manner in which to proceed.