My Ninth Step work began in March 1987, and the only reason I had was because there is a Ninth Step in the program. I sent a letter to the firm where I worked in 1972 and added a check for the electronic parts that I had stolen. I made another amends similar to this to the hospital where I had worked in 1974.

When I talked to my sponsor about further Ninth Step work, he asked me: “Why do you want to do this?” And I had no answer. (My sponsor hasn’t worked much of the program.) But I knew that this step had some importance for me, because I had read the book Compulsive Overeater by Bill B. I was thinking about this very much, and when I heard that Bill B. would come to Bad Herrenalb for a seminar, I made a decision to participate in the seminar.

The most important question I wanted to ask him was: “Do you still think the Ninth Step is so very important?” I went to work the following Monday, with no intention of doing a Ninth Step. But the boss called me in and told me that I was close to being fired. I was terribly afraid after that and I went to the American AA meeting that we have in Karlsruhe. I saw a big poster “I am responsible,” and remembered what my boss had told me about my responsibilities at work. I called my sponsor on the following Tuesday, told him what had happened, and that I wanted to talk to my boss about my addiction. I was sure that I had no other option. He agreed at once. I knew if I told my boss about my addiction it could be the final straw that broke the camel’s back, the best reason to be fired. But there was really no other option.

When I talked to my boss, I said, “I am addicted, my addiction is masturbation, and I’m just like a drug addict or an alcoholic.” His answer was, “This is a courageous step.” We talked much about addiction and psychotherapy and so on, and he was loving and understanding. This made me feel very good, as I feel while I’m writing this.

I know that telling about my addiction is not making amends, but this incident is what caused me to start making many amends. One amends I made was to an SA member. I had used sarcasm when I talked about what she said, and I felt I had to make amends immediately. I went to her, put my hand on hers, and said, “I want to make amends to you; I was wrong to use the sarcasm.” She said, “No, you did not hurt me.” But immediately after I made the decision to approach her, I felt terrific. And this caused others in the group to start making immediate amends. This was creating an environment of love and understanding in the group. When she left, she said, “I’m so glad to know every one of you.”

I have to remember what Bill B. said: “If I can do it, you can do it.” So I know I can go on making amends, even if the prospect of making some is still very terrifying.

One example is making amends to the buyer of the car that I sold in 1979. I signed a paper stating it had no defects, when it did. Because of this, he can file a lawsuit against me. I intend to amend the wrong by paying him $300 as a price reduction for the defective car. The terrifying thing is not to lose $300, but the possibility of a lawsuit. But I am glad that I found this amends to make, because I know the most difficult and hardest amends enhance my recovery and growth and make it possible for me to realize the Twelve Promises. There are easy amends and hard amends; the hard ones are what do the most for me. I know that even if it takes a lot of willpower to do this, this is the way that makes me feel good in the long run, even if I feel terrible immediately after making the amends.

I’ve had some spiritual experiences since my talk with my boss. Many times I have felt a great power within me after making amends, and one time I felt somewhat like being put on the right track, on the straight line. So, making amends also means to me “standing straight” in very many cases. If I yell at someone, I cannot take it back, but I can say “I was wrong.” I’m still very afraid to say these words, but this is a way to feel good without having a hangover.