…I’m only ten months in the program with half that many months of sobriety and I give thanks to God for steering me back towards life. The phone list, the literature, the meetings, most importantly the Twelve Steps and those that have gone ahead of us, give us hope.

With my recent sobriety has come the awareness that I only wanted sexual release in my relations with my wife. A few of the members of my group reported on the benefits of celibacy. I was scared and prayed that if it were an appropriate measure for me, that the opportunity would present itself for negotiating this agreement. She was surprisingly agreeable. I experienced relief and terror. Relief that I would no longer have to try to do everything right, so that my wife would be happy and attracted to me and want to have sex. I was free to be myself and see her for herself. I terrorized myself with the prospect of never having sex again. Sobriety is disconnecting with an old dysfunctional me. Celibacy is disconnecting from my wife, because the connection was dysfunctional for both of us. In working the Second Step I discovered that I want to disconnect from my old spiritual path (or lack of it) and experienced a deep emptiness.… These last six weeks have been physically, emotionally and spiritually painful.… I think it is something like an internal Wilderness experience. I thank God for it…in my journey back to sanity.…