My family and I took a vacation recently. In preparation I called motels and found one near our vacation area that was affordable.

When I spoke with the motel owner I told her that I would be with my wife, who was in her ninth month of pregnancy, and three children all under the age of 11, and that we needed a safe area. She assured me it was, and I felt secure that I had provided well for my family’s comfort. We planned to spend four nights at this motel.

The first day of the trip was both exhilarating and exhausting. As my sponsor had promised, I felt a sense of imbalance as evening approached. I was glad that I had arranged beforehand to attend an 8 p.m. AA meeting near the motel. I needed recharging and a reconnection. As I drove down the highway, I could almost taste the How it Works and the Promises.

I turned off the highway and proceeded down the street to the motel. I instantly knew that I had entered the red light district of this small city. My mood did not just change, but rather my whole being was transformed. I had not been on one of these strips for a long time. And here were my wife and kids all in the car, all looking for the motel, all seeing my inner shame exhibited on the street. What was inside of me had become that which we saw in the external world. I was devastated, scared, and seemed transported back to the time before the surrender of the First Step. I felt caught with my hand in the cookie jar. I looked at the red light establishments and I lusted.

But not for long. I could feel the penetrating ray of my lust shooting from the back of my skull, and I did what my sponsor had taught me to do. I prayed, “God, whatever I seek to find in those places, may I please find it in You.” After the prayer I resolved to stay but one night in this motel (which was located in the middle of the district, surrounded by pornography), to call my sponsor, and to make that AA meeting.

But first I had to let the shame out of my system. When we reached the motel and had unpacked I turned to my wife and said, “This is not a good place for me.” She replied that it was not a good place for any of us. She agreed that we should stay the night, as we were exhausted, and leave the next day.

I tried to reach my sponsor but found the phone would not allow me to use my calling card. I then proceeded to the AA meeting. The drive had less of a pull on me at this point, but I was still very much aware of the lights and enticements. I resolved to talk about what was happening to me and my family at the AA meeting, but I felt somewhat reluctant as I did not know how it would be received. After all, this was not an SA meeting.

The theme of the meeting was letting God run the show. I asked God to speak for me and then spoke about my lust addiction as it related to Steps 4 and 5. As I spoke I felt the alcoholics acknowledge my predicament. Their soft laughter communicated volumes about their understanding. I spoke of working on lust through Steps 6 and 7, and their nods communicated volumes about their empathy. And when I spoke of making a living amends to my wife through abstinence from all pornography utilizing Steps 8 and 9, their quietness communicated volumes about their love. I found my reconnection with God in the eyes of sober drunks for whom the 12 Steps are a tangible reality, perhaps the only reality. (I believe I now have the means to talk about lust, food, media, alcohol, etc., at all 12 Step meetings. I just need to relate them to the God-given 12 original Steps of recovery.)

When I drove back to the motel, the porno places, the flashing lights, the enticements, all had disappeared. I did not see them anymore. They did not pull me anymore. The penetrating ray of lust was shut down. There was no more shame. There was no more misconnection. I felt reunited again with my God and looked forward to my time with my family.

In the motel room, we locked the door and put on the chain. I ate my dinner, and read stories to my children. I was again calm and serene. In this room the storm had subsided. I got on my knees and thanked God for a sober day, asking God to keep me sober that night. I slept a guilt-free sleep, and arranged for a new motel first thing in the morning, after my prayers.