I have always been active in my chosen religion since my baptism at the age of 18, even though I was an active sexaholic of varying degrees before and throughout my 35-plus years of church membership. For a while I even served as a bishop, an unpaid clergyman equivalent to a pastor in other churches. All that changed a little over 27 months ago, when I was excommunicated from the church as a result of my addiction.

My sexaholism began at the age of five, when I was molested several times over a period of a year by an older relative. Being introduced to sexual activity at such an early age created an awareness of feelings and desires I didn’t know how to control. As I grew older, my lust grew stronger, but being shy and introverted by nature, I turned it inward, to a world of masturbation and fantasy. I thought that finding God and joining a religion would cure me; it didn’t. I thought marrying my high school sweetheart would cure me; it didn’t.

In November 2004, I was called in to face the High Council of my church to answer the charges against me, which had been initiated by my wife. Unfortunately, she had decided that was the only way to get my attention and bring about a change in my destructive behavior.

Knowing I would have to confess, and not trusting myself to be completely honest when facing these men, I wrote an eight-page typed confession, outlining my life as a sex addict. I presented this confession to the President privately. After reading it, he explained the contents to the rest of the Council. I was then given the opportunity to address the council, and I confessed. Knowing they had already heard my confession via the President made it easier for me to be honest. I was reassured that this was a council of love and concern, but I still remember the expressions of disgust and revulsion on the faces of some of the men sitting before me.

After a period of questioning, I was dismissed while they discussed my case. Although I was quite sure I knew what that decision would be, I wasn’t prepared for the shock I felt when I heard the President actually say the words, “It is the decision of this council that you be excommunicated from the church.” I would rather he had said, “You are condemned to death by firing squad at dawn.”

At that moment, I finally awakened to the truth. No longer could I delude myself into believing that I was in control, that I could “handle it.” I knew then that I was powerless over my addiction, and could not manage my life. The thing I valued above anything else, the one thing I could point to and say, “At least I still have that,” had been taken from me. I had reached the bottom and knew the insanity had to stop.

This humbling realization brought me to the fellowship of SA, where I learned that the powerlessness I had experienced was Step One—the first step in a long, life-changing journey. Today, through accepting this reality in my life, my reaction to my excommunication has changed from one of shock and utter dismay to one of eternal gratitude, for it was the catalyst that brought about a mighty change in my heart.

As I began working Step Two I thought, “Of course I believe in a Power greater than myself; I’ve been trying to follow His teachings for over 35 years!” Needless to say, I didn’t put much effort into Step Two at first. But little by little, through reading the literature, attending meetings, and hearing countless shares about coming to know God, I came to realize that I didn’t really know the God I professed to follow. I had been intellectually converted to the church, and tried to follow its tenets, but I had never become personally acquainted with my God. Through a lot of reading, studying, pondering, and praying, my mind and heart were gradually brought to a point where God could make Himself known to me; that is, I became willing to know Him.

As I got to know and understand my God, I began to trust that His will for me was infinitely better for me than my own will. This didn’t happen quickly or easily, because my pride and self-centeredness were very deeply rooted.

The rule in my church is that an excommunicated member must wait a year before applying for consideration to be re-admitted. My goal was to be re-admitted on the one-year anniversary of my excommunication. I set about doing everything I could to make it happen. But November 30, 2005 came and went with no action on the part of the Council, and my resentment began to build. I felt I wasn’t getting the attention I was due. I met with the President and expressed my desire for re-admission (while also indirectly expressing my impatience). My resentment hit an all-time high when he responded, “I feel no urgency in this matter.” In spite of my profession of Step Three, my pride and my will were running rampant.

Another year passed with no action from the President or Council, but over that year, I continued to participate in meetings and work the Steps, mainly focusing on Steps One through Three. Very slowly, they began sinking in and having an effect on my heart and mind. As I became better at honestly and consistently surrendering my will and my life over to the care of God, the resentment and impatience gradually wore away, and I began to feel peace. Though I still wanted very much to be reconciled with the church, I could accept God’s will and timing.

In early February, I met again with the President, letting him know I would accept God’s timing. He commented that I looked different. I wondered whether the peace and contentment I was feeling in my newfound relationship with God was showing. He agreed to re-convene the Council and the date was set.

On February 27, I again met with the High Council. This time, instead of a confession of guilt, I expressed “what was different, what had changed” in my life. I explained how my acceptance of the first three Steps had brought about a major change in my heart, how the pride, resentment, and self-centeredness of the addict had been replaced with the humility of surrender.

I read them a favorite passage from the spiritual readings of my church; this passage has meant a great deal to me and summarizes, for me, the first three Steps: “Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things . . .”

After expressing my testimony to the Council, and answering their questions, I was excused while they conferred and came to a decision. While waiting I realized I had no way of knowing which way the decision would go, but I was at peace because I was ready and willing to submit to God’s will, and I was confident that His will would be expressed in their decision.

When I was brought back into the room, the President said that he had gone into the meeting with the intention of recommending a decision of “No,” but had been prompted to keep an open mind to what I had to say. He then uttered the words I had longed to hear for over two years, “It is the decision of this Council that you be re-admitted into the church.” He said it was the humility in my words and demeanor that had swayed the decision in my favor. As a matter of formality, he asked if I was willing to accept the decision of the Council. When I responded in the affirmative, he asked if I had anything to say. I responded, “Only that, had the decision been in the negative, my response would have been the same.” “That,” he said, “is why we decided as we did.”

This has been a long journey of only three Steps, but those steps have taken me to a place of peace and serenity I’ve never known. I know I haven’t arrived at my final destination; I am by no means perfect, but I still have at least nine more Steps to take on my journey. Judging by the change God has wrought in me with the three Steps I have taken thus far, I can only imagine where the rest of the Steps will lead me.