Ever since I was eight years old, when I began looking though adult magazines, I was hooked. My life was filled with fantasy, masturbation, pornography, TV, videos, and trying to connect with girls. In my college years, alcohol and marijuana seemed to go well with my lust. I was much less inhibited with dates when I was under the influence of chemicals.

When things got bad enough, I joined AA. My last drink was 26 years ago, thanks be to God. However, during my first eight “dry” years, my lust and sexual acting out got worse. A typical day for me consisted of fantasy, masturbation, pornography, and flirting. I got married during this time, thinking I was in love—but our relationship consisted mostly of acting out together a lot. We never built any real emotional intimacy.

Toward the end of my addiction, I had a second job and came home late many nights. Sometimes, between the two jobs, I would act out with women I was seeing. My wife and I had a nightly ritual. First, I would feign a good mood in order to make a lustful advance. She would usually decline. Then I would park myself in front of the television and pout. “What’s wrong?” she would ask. “Are you mad at me?” I would deny it and she would go to bed. I then proceeded to flip through TV channels, looking for triggers and acting out. On days when I was off and at home, my three-year-old son would hardly ever think about asking me to play with him. “Daddy” was an isolated and distant piece of furniture attached to the couch.

In the last week of my addiction, my wife and I had some of our loudest arguments. Blunt objects and harsh words flew in our house, leaving my wife, my son, and me in a lot of tears. The pain got so bad that one day I finally told someone—a therapist—what I had been doing. I told him that this felt a lot like alcohol did eight years ago: a real hell. I asked him if this could be an addiction just like booze. He said, “Absolutely!” The next night—July 16th, 1991—I attended my first SA meeting. I was ready.

The tears flowed frequently that first week, but this time they were tears of relief. The old-timers asked whether I was sure I was ready to stop. They said that half-hearted beginnings may not succeed. They asked, “Do you think you have any options other than to stop completely?” I had to say no. I found a sponsor immediately who urged me to begin working the Twelve Steps right away. Pain sure is a great motivator—I did exactly as he told me.

Every Sunday morning, four of us would get together for breakfast and Step work. We worked Steps One though Eleven in a non-stop manner. We would work on them individually during the week and then share our work on Sundays. This was a beautiful way for newcomers to learn how the Steps build upon each other—with the idea that we would continue working the Steps for the rest of our lives.

It was through this working of the Steps, by the grace of God and the fellowship of SA, that I stayed sober for 9 1/2 years.

During these years, I began to respect and take care of myself—new territory, indeed. God even led me back to the religion of my childhood, and my son and I began going to church together. He and I became very close. We have some great memories of those years.

Sadly however, as I grew in my recovery, my wife and I grew apart. My wife was not interested in working on our marriage. Eventually, she had an affair and we divorced. I was devastated.

I found an apartment that I could share with my son half the time. While living on my own, I made some very bad decisions. During this time, I focused way too much on my resentments, anger and self-pity. As I harbored these feelings I began to dabble in Internet pornography. Inevitably, I acted out twice. On my own, I have no power over lust. Thankfully, God has all power, and with His help, all things are possible.

The last time I acted out was August 29, 2001. My life has changed in so many ways for the better. Today, my head is clear, and I feel more useful, productive, and happy than I ever thought possible. I remarried in sobriety—another beautiful gift. By being clear-headed and prayerful during our engagement, my wife and I had an absolutely beautiful wedding night. It was well worth the wait!

My sponsor once told me that if I want to really know how I’m doing in recovery, I should look at my family to see how they are doing. I’m grateful to report that God has given my son a level of confidence and happiness that I never had growing up. He seems well-adjusted and successful in school and with friends. My wife is filled with God’s peace and joy. We love spending time together, walking and talking. We still feel like newlyweds, after being married for almost eight years.

Today, I have a new self-confidence and a sense of purpose that I never dreamed possible. My productivity and attention span have improved both at home and at work. I could never have handled the position I have now if I were still acting out. I am truly blessed.

Another blessing has been the SA fellowship in our area. Our home group just celebrated our 15th anniversary. Fifteen years ago, we had only two meetings in the area. Today there are 48 meetings nearby, as well as a regular Twelve Step workshop for newcomers. God is good!

Everywhere I turn lately, I hear about sex offenders. Many people are suffering from our addiction, but they have no idea what is wrong with them. Using the Steps, we have the ability to help the addicts still out there—if we are sober. If I want to be able to help the next person who walks in the door, I must be free from lust. God has blessed us with these Twelve Steps, and if we work them, He will use us to help others—in His own time, in His own way.