In September 2007, I lost 18 years of SA sobriety—or so I thought. Looking back, I see that I was hardly ever sober, not in my mind anyway. I had thought that all I needed to do was to not act out, and I had done that since 1989—a few months before joining SA. To paraphrase the late Roy K. from about 10 years ago, I’m only now learning what lust recovery is, or even what my lust is. And as Roy pointed out, Step One is not “We admitted we were powerless over acting out…” (see SA 208).

I used to think I could enjoy lust as much as I wanted as long as I didn’t act out. I thought it was okay to take in lustful images on TV and on the Internet. I even called this “progressive victory over lust.” While calling myself sober, I still manipulated women to do what I wanted them to do, just as I did before SA. Since my actions didn’t involve sexual contact and I didn’t reach orgasm, I figured it was okay.

I took many half measures in my SA program. I eventually realized I had to let go of satisfying my lust by going to swimming pools and libraries. But I refused to let go of the memories and the images I held in my mind, and didn’t surrender my desire to see Things I Shouldn’t Be Looking At. I figured I could surrender them after the fact.

All the while, as I listened to Roy, Harvey A., Jess, and others on tape, I heard clear messages calling me to be more honest about where I was in lust recovery. Even though I liked what they had to say, I was still fighting my lust with willpower (when I wasn’t letting it get the best of me within).

After years of using the Internet without lusting, I discovered one day that I could find many images there that satisfied my lust. I became hooked. I thought I could control and enjoy the images, which only resulted in a series of binges where I all but “blacked out” on the computer while watching online videos. Once I was interrupted by my wife.

For almost the next two years, I became a periodic, getting sobriety for a while but going back to the videos eventually. I wanted to lust and to recover at the same time. But before I make this too much of a drunkalogue, I want to share what I’ve learned.

For me, the issue isn’t so much seeing images as it is seeking images. For example, one night I started to watch a movie before going in to work the night shift. I could see that it might be a problem for me, so I turned it off. But I kept wondering, “How does it turn out?” I wanted to know more. I figured I could find out when I got to work. But I knew that if I pursued it, this could be the start of another lust binge for me. So I called another member and surrendered the obsession. It worked. I see now that I have to surrender way before I get to the point of no return.

I have now been sober since August 6 of last year, and it has been the most lust-free I’ve ever been in my life, thanks to God and all of you. I’ll keep surrendering!