I recently celebrated ten years of sexual sobriety in SA, so naturally I have been thinking about how I came to achieve this and what steps I took on the way. I then started to think about sobriety itself. What is sexual sobriety? Is it just a physical thing or is there more to it than that? As we read in the Sobriety Definition, “Physical sobriety is not an end in itself but a means toward an end—victory over the obsession and progress in recovery” (SA 192).

As the Solution says, “We saw that our problem was threefold: physical, emotional and spiritual. Healing had to come about in all three” (61). I believe that when I reached a point of healing in all three, I started to experience sexual sobriety in a true sense. Being emotionally and spiritually sober (as well as sexually sober) seemed to bring about something far deeper: a positive sobriety.

How did my sobriety begin? When I acted out, it was always in secret. I was accountable to no one. But at my first SA meeting, I heard, “Let’s take a minute to introduce ourselves by first name and state our length of sexual sobriety” (SA 197, #5). (I regret that in some meetings this sharing of sobriety dates is no longer practiced.) At my first meeting, I heard some members admit to years of sexual sobriety! Suddenly I was accountable to a group of people for my length of sobriety. As I listened to members share their experience, strength, and hope, I felt a new hope grow within me. I wanted so much what they had, and was eager to soak up their wisdom.

Then what? I got a sponsor, and found that by working the Steps with him and regularly attending meetings, I began to progress in recovery. I learned a lot from meetings and from hearing people share their own experiences, including how they worked the Steps. I started to enjoy “progressive victory over the obsession in the looking and thinking,” as well as “the positive sobriety of acting out true union of persons” (SA 193).

In sobriety, my relations with others are much improved. For 50 years, I struggled with same-sex lusting, but today I can relate with men in a healthy way. Men are no longer lust objects. I do not expect to be lusted after. I can feel comfortable around men and encourage them in their endeavors. I also have a deeper emotional connection with my wife. I’ve come to realize the value of doing things that mean a lot to her, such as gardening, even when I don’t naturally care for those things.

Sponsoring others has helped me stay current on my SA journey. Often, when a sponsee shares with me a part of his story, I am reminded of something in my own life that needs attention. When sponsees share their pain, it resonates with me because I don’t want to be in that place again. I also need to work with my own sponsor so that I can benefit from wise counsel in all of my relationships.

The most important thing of all for me is keeping a close relationship with my Higher Power. First I was accountable to the group, then later to my sponsor, and finally after I restored fellowship with my Higher Power, I was accountable to Him. He enables me to carry the message of hope to others who are still struggling and share with them my experience, strength, and hope.

I have learned the importance of total surrender, and giving up the right to make decisions regarding my sexual behavior. Today I let my Higher Power take the driver’s seat in decision making. I find myself often asking “Is this my will or the will of God as I understand Him?” As the pressure of decision-making is taken away, I experience serenity. My Higher Power gives me the courage, the wisdom, and the strength to walk in total surrender with Him so that I can make the right decisions.

I will be forever thankful to SA for offering me a new life, a new hope, a new emotional experience, and a new spiritual experience. I am also thankful to those sober members who, by coming to meetings and sharing their stories, carry the message of sobriety—the message that I needed so much.

Yours in sobriety,

Greetings from Tasmania, Australia

Here in Tasmania, we’ve had difficulty holding regular meetings of late, because of the ill health of some members. Also, because of the long distances involved, we use Skype and phone meetings where we can. However, when we are able, we meet at Deloraine every second week on a Friday at 8 p.m. We also hold a meeting in Hobart (300 km from where I live) every six to eight weeks to enable inquirers to attend a meeting. It is our goal to establish a meeting in Hobart, because that is where we get most of our inquiries.

If you are visiting the state of Tasmania, please contact us at dabetsa@hotkey.net.au or call 0411 283 679. We would love to meet you!