The Twelve and Twelve says that “… only through utter defeat are we able to take our first steps toward liberation and strength” (21). This is the story of how I came to be utterly defeated, and how that defeat led to liberation for me.

March 31, 2004 started out like any other day. I was on a one-week vacation from work. My wife of 14 years was at her new job and my daughters (ages five and eight) were at school. The reason I say that it started out like an ordinary day is that in the depths of my addiction, I would go to any lengths to have my house to myself, so that I could spend hours on Internet chat rooms. From the moment I logged on to the Internet something changed inside me. The noise the computer made when connecting and the anticipation of acting out changed my physiology. The uncontrollable feelings were comparable to a nasty cocaine addiction I had kicked over a decade earlier. As a lust addict, I would plan, anticipate, carry out, and hide the evidence of what I had done. But I told myself this was different; I wasn’t really addicted!

In the fall of 2003, my wife, children, and I packed our bags and moved across the country, leaving all of our friends and families behind. We moved because I was offered a teaching job in a well-respected school district. I was a high school teacher who had just won a teacher-of-the-year award. But by this time I had been abusing Internet chat rooms for over four years, and within days of arriving at our new home, I connected my computer and was back to my old behaviors. I used the Internet for only two purposes: to meet women online who would engage in sexual conversations, or to seek women who would meet me for some form of sexual contact.

Throughout my life, I cheated on every female I knew. When I was 18, I met the woman who would become my wife—but at the time she was just one of many sexual conquests. In 1991, within six months of being married, I violated our wedding vows. Over the next ten years, I masturbated, frequented strip clubs, bought magazines, and engaged in all types of acting-out behaviors. I had a dozen one-night stands. My behavior became more and more out of control, but I couldn’t see it.

In 1999, I saw a TV show about Internet chat rooms and decided to check out this new fad. The next morning I was on the computer and acting out within 45 minutes. I was hooked. Soon, I began using chat rooms to get phone numbers.

I remember being on the phone and acting out in my locked bathroom when my young daughters knocked on the door to tell me that their movie was over. I harshly told them to put in another video and stop bothering me as I was in the middle of a very important conversation! I was a monster of a father. I did not care about anyone but myself.

On March 31, 2004, I was home on Spring break. Earlier in the week, I had started an online conversation with a girl who told me she was 13. We agreed on a time and place to meet for a sexual rendezvous. On that fateful day, as I was getting ready to meet her, it occurred to me that the whole thing might be a setup. But the anticipation was greater than my fear. I went upstairs, looked in the mirror, and said aloud, “This is the last shower you will ever take as a free man.” Then I got dressed and headed off to meet her.

As I arrived at the meeting place, I was met by seven sheriff’s deputies with guns pointed at my head. I was so completely insane and powerless that I had knowingly walked into a sting operation and flushed a promising career down the toilet in 15 minutes. I called my wife from the police station and told her what I had done. She knew no one in the state, had no support system to rely on—and I needed her to find someone to care for our daughters and come bail me out.

The next day I was bailed out of jail. It was April Fool’s Day; how appropriate! My story was printed in both of our city newspapers. It began, “Sheriff deputies are investigating a high school teacher who allegedly solicited a child over the Internet. Todd, 37, now on administrative leave, was taken into custody March 31st and released on his own recognizance the next day.”

I was fired from my job. Television reporters conducted live broadcasts from my school parking lot about the teacher who was a sex offender. I did not leave my home for weeks. I was afraid to be seen at grocery stores or gas stations. However, on the advice of my attorney I met with a counselor who dealt with sex offenders. I hated seeing him at first, but after a few months he said something that changed my life. He said, “You need to work on your humility.” I was furious. How dare he tell me I wasn’t humble! He gave me a brochure for an S-group and challenged me to go to 90 meetings in 90 days.

I couldn’t wait to prove him wrong, so when I got home I grabbed a dictionary and looked up the word “humility.” It said, “the quality or condition of being humble.” Then I looked up “humble”: “showing awareness of one’s shortcomings, not proud.” Finally, I looked up “proud”: “having excessive self-esteem, haughty and arrogant.” I was beginning to understand what the counselor meant. My walls were breaking down. I researched S-groups and found SA.

On October 8, 2004, when I walked into my first SA meeting, a weird thing happened: I felt like I was home. The people understood me. I went back the next day and eventually committed to 90 meetings in 90 days. I was beginning to participate in the fellowship of the program. I got phone numbers and began calling guys from the meetings. I also met with guys outside the meetings. After 87 meetings, I found the courage to ask someone to be my sponsor. He said he would agree if I went to 90 meetings in 90 days. I said “I’m on 87.” He said, “No, I want you to do another 90 meetings in 90 days.” I ended up attending 365 Twelve Step meetings in my first 365 days in SA.

Sometime in my first 90 days I had a Step One experience. The White Book (83) says, “… [T]he time came when we knew the jig was up. We had been arrested—stopped in our tracks—but we had done it to ourselves. If surrender came only from without, it never ‘took.’ When we surrendered out of our own enlightened self-interest, it became the magic key that opened the prison door and set us free.”

In my case, there was a real prison door. When the jail door shut behind me on March 31, I felt utterly powerless. I fell on my knees and asked God for help. The message I heard was one of forgiveness, and that I would never have quit if I hadn’t been caught. I began to see clearly that I was addicted. I had hit bottom. I also began to realize that I could put my destructive behavior behind me through the SA program.

In June 2005, I was convicted of my crime and sentenced to four years of treatment, four years of probation, and 10 years of registering as a sex offender. By God’s grace, I was given a deferred sentence. This meant that after four years with good behavior, my felony would be expunged and I would have only a misdemeanor on my record.

Because of my conviction as a sex offender, I was removed from my home for a few weeks. I was living in a hotel and was not permitted to see my daughters. I knew that I needed to pour myself into the Twelve Steps. My sponsor kept referring to the Twelve Steps as a practical program for living. I knew that I needed a new way of living!

Step Two states that I need a Power greater than myself to restore me to sanity. I already knew that my behavior was insane: I had tried to meet a 13-year-old girl, I had been unfaithful to my wife for many years, and I completely destroyed my career. I truly needed to be restored to sanity.

The Big Book says, “… crushed by a self-imposed crisis we could not postpone or evade, we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing” (53). I had a small amount of faith but hadn’t practiced it in a long time. One day I looked in the yellow pages and found a church that looked interesting. I decided to attend the next Sunday. As I sat in the back row, I wept through the entire service. Just as at my first SA meeting, I felt that I was in the right place and that God truly could restore me to sanity.

The Twelve and Twelve (34) states, “… the effectiveness of the whole A.A. program will rest upon how well and earnestly we have tried to come to ‘a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.’” Step Three calls for action: I must surrender my life to a new boss, and allow Him to be in control of everything.

My addiction was very public, especially in my community, but I have learned that I cannot control the opinions of my neighbors or adversaries. Today when I’m tempted to worry about others’ opinions, I need to place my trust in God and surrender the outcome to Him. Then I can bring my thoughts and actions into agreement with His intentions for my life.

Over the past nearly seven years, I have found serenity through the Twelve Promises of AA (see AA 83-84). Ours is a program of self-examination which develops slowly in the process of attending meetings, making mistakes, learning to acknowledge our wrongs, and correcting those wrongs. I am painfully aware that I will continue to fall short of living a perfect program. The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow for me is that I am promised so many gifts if I simply follow a clear set of principles.

Working with my sponsor, I continue to reach a deeper level of understanding the Steps. Step Twelve is one of the most important to me. I’ve been given the gift of a spiritual awakening, and I’ve heard that I can only keep what I have by giving it away. I want to keep what I have, so I’m committed to working with others. I lead meetings and make coffee, hold service positions in my home group and Intergroup, help plan conferences, and I started a new meeting in my area. I’ve also built relationships with men that I hope will last a lifetime.

But even that is not enough; I must practice these principles in all my affairs. I’ve thrown myself into the service work of my faith community. I’ve tried to serve as a humble servant to my family. I’ve watched my marriage become solid. My two daughters have grown to have strong character and good morals and values. Thanks to SA and my Higher Power, I still have a family and we are doing incredibly well. God has given me a new beginning.

In March of 2009, I was released from treatment and probation, three months early. On April 20, the District Attorney withdrew the felony complaint and the judge threw out my felony conviction, after I had met my obligation to probation and the justice system. Both the state and the Sheriff’s Office have removed me from their sex offender website. And in June 2009, my wife and I had our third child. I guess God really did have a plan for me!

I am reminded of the Promise, “Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path” (AA 58). I only hope that I will continue to make every attempt to be thorough in my pursuit of sobriety and recovery. The formula is so simple. Go to meetings, get a sponsor, work the Steps, be of service to others, and rely on God. It’s just that easy. Would you like to join me on the road to happy destiny? There’s room on the bus. Hop on!