I’m Michael T., grateful to be sexually sober since April 10, 2011. SA has given me a better life than I could ever have imagined. I no longer fear everyone and everything. I no longer regret the past; I use my past as a tool to be helpful to others. I can practice patience and tolerance, and be a part of society. I learned all of these things from SA.

I grew up in South Africa. My family was very poor and we lived on a farm in the country, remote and isolated. By my father’s design, no one could drive up the last mile of our farm road without knowing in advance where all the potholes were—and nobody ever visited.

Child molestation was a recurrent theme in my family. My great grandfather molested my grandmother on my mother’s side. My grandfather on my father’s side molested my father and my uncle. My father was a sex addict, and after he died, my mother married a man who had molested his granddaughters. She knew about this when she married him.

As a child I never felt accepted. When I was three years old, I developed a speech impediment, and I couldn’t talk coherently from that point on. In our schools, from ages eight to 18, we had to do oral exams in front of the class. When my turn came, I could barely get any words out. The teachers and students openly mocked me. On occasion I would be sent out of the classroom as a punishment for not being able to talk properly.

From the first grade through my senior year in high school, I had no more than 10 or 20 conversations with anyone. I tried to talk, but I abandoned conversations mid-sentence because I could not continue. This caused me immense humiliation. I started drinking alcohol when I was around 13. Drinking soothed my speech impediment and helped me get out of myself.

Sex started early for me. I acted out from the age of three or four. When I started school at six years old, I would touch girls and get lust hits from them. I interpreted any sign of affection (physical or verbal) from any other person to be sexual.

In high school, my entire aim in life was to have sex with a woman. I would get as drunk as I could and then try my best to connect with someone. But time after time I failed dismally to connect with any woman. This resulted in constant sex with myself and more alcohol, as well as marijuana.

My father was an alcoholic who never worked. I was one of four kids in our family, and my mother supported all of us on her schoolteacher’s salary. My mother would confide in me a lot about our significant financial worries. She also confided in me about her relationship with my father. He had talked her into agreeing to have sex whenever he wanted to. Thus it was instilled in me in my teenage years: being married means that the husband can have sex whenever he wants.

During the latter part of high school, I found myself lusting after men. Even though I was attracted to them, when they tried to get physical I felt uncomfortable and I would run. Still, having lust for other guys confused me, and I wondered whether I was gay. Through SA I’ve learned that when my mind is in the wrong place, I can fantasize about anyone.

When I started college in Port Elizabeth, my parents dropped me off and said “Goodbye and good luck.” I had saved up enough money for the first tuition payment. Then I got a job and started working. I excelled in my first year of college and got a full scholarship for the rest of my tuition and board.

When my father died at the end of my first year, I did not feel a thing. I didn’t know how to feel. Instead, I fell in with the drinking crowd. My drinking and marijuana use escalated to new highs—and drinking and drugging were always about finding someone to have sex with.

Three years later, I dropped out of college without finishing my degree and moved back home. I had some kind of psychological breakdown. After three months, I felt a bit better and got a job as a river rafting guide in the northern part of the country. Eventually I moved to Cape Town to try and finish my degree. But I was unsuccessful, so a year later I moved to London.

My habits of drinking, drugging, and chasing women got worse. On three different occasions, I had sex with a woman who had passed out on my bed. This was a low point for me. One of these women became pregnant and had an abortion.

During the latter part of my stay in London, I stopped drinking and going to clubs, but I continued smoking pot. I masturbated many times a day and wondered why I didn’t have a girlfriend. In 2004, the isolation and drugs became too much for me, so I went to a drug rescue center. I was referred to Marijuana Anonymous. I went, got sober, and started working the Steps. But nothing changed.

Then I thought yoga might fix me, so in June 2004, I moved to India to study yoga. I also started an AA meeting in the city. I met a woman from the U.S. who was also studying yoga there. I was attracted to her and I knew she went to meetings in the States, so I convinced her to go to an AA meeting with me. We moved in together four days later. She eventually returned to the U.S. and I returned to South Africa, but after a month or so apart, she returned to South Africa and we were married on May 19, 2005. Due to visa application restrictions, my wife had to be in the U.S. while my visa application was being processed.

It took nine months for me to get my visa and move to the U.S. During that time, my wife came back to South Africa for a visit and became pregnant with our first child. When I arrived in the U.S. in February 2006, she was on partial bed rest due to complications with her pregnancy. Before marriage, we had sex constantly, but because of her pregnancy, I didn’t push her for sex.

I got a job in California, but because of health insurance rules, my wife had to have the baby in Illinois. When she moved back home after the birth, I immediately started pressuring her for sex again. I cringe today when I think of how I constantly pressured and manipulated her for sex. I also started drinking again, because I had always believed “I’m really not an alcoholic.”

In 2008, my wife got pregnant with our second child, a boy. Throughout that pregnancy—and over the next several years—nothing much changed. I was still drinking and drugging, and I was constantly pressuring her for sex. Finally, my wife decided she could not take this anymore! She was extremely frustrated by my constant pressure for sex, and in 2011, she insisted that we seek marriage counseling.

Right away the marriage counselor told me I was a sex addict! A light went on inside of me. I already knew about Twelve Step programs. I understood the need for “something.” I used to sweat and shake to get drugs. But I had never associated sex or masturbation with addiction. I thought that’s just what men do! Now I was told that I had an addiction, and I had to find help. Our counselor recommended SA.

I began by attending one meeting a week. The first few meetings were tough! Even though I identified with the other members, the thought of staying sober was unbearable for me. There was no way I could stop masturbating. The pain was too much. There had to be an outlet! One of the SA men (who didn’t have much sobriety) told me to use my wife for an outlet. But this was no different from my old behaviors.

At the fourth meeting, a man I hadn’t seen before walked into the room. He started talking about recovery and spiritual growth, and what SA was doing for him. He said that the longer he stayed sober, the more things in his life kept getting better. After the meeting I asked him to be my sponsor. He agreed—and he told me to stop masturbating and stop using my wife for relief.

About the same time, my wife told me she was pregnant with our third child, a daughter. This seemed overwhelming to me, and I could no longer pressure her for sex to soothe my emotions. I experienced horrendous pain for several weeks. But I stayed sober and started working the Steps, and I’ve been sober ever since April 10, 2011.

I was still drinking and drugging, however, and I was not feeling much better. SA was saving my marriage and I was connecting with other sex addicts, but I was unsurrendered regarding drugs and alcohol. At the insistence of my SA sponsor, I went back to AA meetings at the end of 2011—with serious intentions this time. I’ve been sober from drugs and alcohol since January 3, 2012.

That’s when staying sober really hit me. For 30 years, my addictions had enabled me to block out all of my feelings. All the emotions that I had bottled up throughout my life—the humiliation about my speech impediment and about my family being the poorest in town, my father being a drunk, and the enmeshed relationship with my mom—all of this started coming up. Now I had to deal with these feelings sober, and this was painful! I immersed myself in both of my programs—SA and AA. I started calling people (up to 20 people a day!), working my Steps in earnest, going to more meetings, praying, and getting service positions.

Working the Steps was a turning point for me—especially Step Three, which was a huge spiritual awakening. I always felt that my speech impediment had ruined 30 years of my life. But while I was working Step Three, my three-year-old son developed a speech impediment, and—because of my struggles—we got him into therapy within a week. This quick action helped him make a full recovery. So then I could see that my own experience benefited my son! God had a plan for me, and it was the best plan! This realization had a huge impact on my ability to surrender in Step Three.

I call Steps Six and Seven my “intentional living” Steps. That is, once I am aware of a defect, it’s up to me to intentionally surrender it to God whenever it comes up again. Because of working these Steps, my home and work life are much improved.

Letting go of resentment was also a huge part of my early sobriety. My biggest resentment had always been toward my dad. I blamed him for teaching me unhealthy ways to deal with life and for not dealing with my speech impediment. In recovery, I needed to make amends for my attitude, but he had died 17 years earlier. So my sponsor suggested that I write him a letter and read it at his grave. This was extremely powerful! Part of my amends was making a decision to remember the good things he did during his life.

A few months later my sponsor suggested I write another letter to my dad. He said, “Say what you always wanted to say to him.” A few years ago the letter would have been full of anger and accusations, but now the letter was totally compassionate. Letting go of what he did to me—and accepting my part in the relationship—released me from my most deep-seated resentment.

In early 2013, I made an amends to my wife. After making that amends, I immediately became accountable for practicing the living amends I had promised. That was when I stopped pressuring her for sex, and that was the turning point in my life. My life truly began to change after making that amends.

When I got to Step Twelve and read that a spiritual awakening is a change of attitude, I realized that I was already experiencing a spiritual awakening! This isn’t a one-time affair—it’s a lifelong practice of surrendering each day, each moment, every aspect of my life to God. Without God in my life I have a selfish attitude; with God I have a spiritual attitude—one day at a time for the rest of my life.

Today I work Steps One, Two, and Three on a daily basis. I pray in the morning, remembering my powerlessness, accepting that God can restore me to sanity, and turning my life and my will over to Him. I also read Big Book pages 86 through 88 daily. This exercise frees me up to allow life to happen around me without worrying about the results.

In 2012, I went back to South Africa for my nephew’s christening. I took our 13-month-old daughter with me. This could not have happened without my SA and AA sobriety. But today my wife knows that, in sobriety, she can trust me to properly take care of our children.

Before I left the U.S., I was concerned about what might happen to my program while I was away, as I could not attend meetings (I was taking care of the baby!), make phone calls, or make progress on my Steps. What would be left of my program? Well, I committed to pray every day. I prayed morning, noon, and night. Whenever I was disturbed—which was a lot!—I prayed. And my Higher Power protected me and my sobriety the whole trip.

My life today is very different from what it was a few years ago. I work as a consultant, so sometimes I have work and sometimes I don’t. In the past, if I had work, I would stress about doing it correctly. When I didn’t have work, I would stress about whether I would get work. Today I leave the results up to God and I have serenity.

Because of SA, my wife and I are best friends today. We can joke around with each other without me getting my feelings hurt or making inappropriate sexual references. Today I know that sex is completely optional. If I desire sex and she does not, I move on without any further thought or emotion. The freedom from this obsession is huge! I could never have imagined this freedom before. It’s a totally different way of life.

I can also be close emotionally with my wife. In the past I was never emotionally close with anyone. I did not want to feel vulnerable or be hurt. But now my wife and I connect on an emotional level. She is also more vulnerable with me. Before, if she opened up, she knew this meant we would have sex. Now I can listen and support her without her wondering what my motives are.

Because of SA I have a relationship with my Higher Power that I’ve never had before. I had always acknowledged a Higher Power out there somewhere, but He never seemed to do anything for me. Now I know that I was the one blocking Him. Today my Higher Power gives me amazing strength and hope! Last November, He gave me the strength to talk in front of a group of approximately 50 SA members and invited guests at a local speakers meeting! This could have never happened without the fellowship of SA.

My Higher Power also enables me to be kind and useful to others. I can serve others, share my experience, and be there for my family. Being of benefit to others is what I’ve wanted my whole life, but I’ve only been able to do this because of SA.

If it weren’t for SA I might still not be sober from drugs or alcohol. Now I can drive my family safely without the fear of getting a DUI. Because of SA I got help for my speech impediment. And only in SA did I find a Higher Power. But the most important thing SA has given me is the fellowship.

Throughout my life I never really had any friends, but now I’m surrounded by friends in the program. SA is the place where I’m completely accepted. It’s where I learned how to live life. SA saved my life. And without all of you, none of this would have been possible.