I’m Tom, a recovering sexaholic, grateful for seven years of sobriety—although as they say, I’m never grateful enough! I know that I must continue to work the SA program. My sponsor tells me I need to keep working Steps Ten, Eleven, and Twelve. As a result of working these Steps, a recent opportunity occurred for me to make a new amends to one of my sons, in response to a question he asked me by email (he lives across the country now).

Although I’ve made direct amends to him in the past, I know that he (along with the rest of my family) still suffers from the harm that I did to him when I was in my addiction, and that additional opportunities for amends may present themselves. Following is the letter I sent him in response to his question.

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Dear Son,

I’m glad you asked about the rekindling of the relationship between your mom and me. It’s something I’ve thought about a lot, but I haven’t put it into words before. I’ll try not to be too wordy, and I’ll focus on my side of the situation—or, in other words, the junk that I brought into our relationship and the changes that have occurred in my life. First, a little history.

I was first exposed to pornography when I was in first grade. Another boy had some playing cards with nudity on them. I was fascinated by the cards. I was probably hooked on porn at that point, but it took years for the fascination to grow and take hold of my life. Also, as I was growing up, there were some sexual improprieties in my family, although I don’t remember much about them. My father was often angry and my parents did not get along well. I suppose that describes how you grew up too (interesting how the pattern repeats).

When I was an adolescent, I lived way out in the country, away from everything. You’d think I would be safe out there, but somehow I came across hardcore porn. I’ve read that porn can really damage an adolescent boy who is exposed to it. I tried to stay away from the porn but I couldn’t. And I didn’t have anyone to help me navigate through those issues.

As I got older, I joined the Navy, got married, and the Internet came along. Through all of those events, my addiction continued to grow and become more and more of a problem. When I got married I really wanted to stop my addiction, and sometimes I did for a while. But it would always resurface, and each time it was more severe. I was addicted for sure, and my addiction continued to get worse for many years until I took the next step and had a series of affairs starting in 2005. I was 45 years old. Two years later, when everything was falling apart and I was desperate to get help, I got involved in SA. I have been sexually sober since then.

True recovery from my addiction began when I was finally desperate about getting help and getting well. I knew that I was about to lose everything that was dear to me. I could see that I was powerless over my addiction and that if I didn’t get help, my life would continue to spiral out of control.

I went to a friend who I knew had suffered from a different sort of addiction, and who was now enjoying years of sobriety and recovery. I knew that he would try to help me. For the first time in my life I was truthful and open about my addiction and stopped trying to hide it. That friend became my sponsor and gently walked me through a Twelve Step program of recovery. He also encouraged me to get involved in SA, which I did. The changes that occurred in my life over the days, weeks, and months that followed were amazing! I have come to know a new joy and freedom that I had never known before.

In my addiction, I lived a frustrated life because I could never get enough. My frustration produced anger, blame, and selfish acts, and you and the rest of the family grew up in that environment. I thought I was hiding my addiction, but I was an angry person and I often took it out on our family. Families often struggle with finances and sometimes kids are a challenge, but mixing that with an addiction is what creates the problems. Your mother didn’t know exactly what was going on, but she knew that something was wrong and she reacted and then I reacted to her. It was always a downward spiral.

Your mother tried everything she could to make me happy, to satisfy me, but it was never enough. Nothing worked. I would do anything I could to deflect any blame back to her. She got to the point that she thought she was going crazy and even tried to leave because she felt there was no other option. She was deeply devoted to you kids, and I know she suffered greatly watching me hurt you and your brother and sisters. She made many difficult sacrifices for the sake of the family, but nothing she did could make up for the damage that my diseased attitudes and actions were doing to the family. We often argued and tried to hide it from you kids, but I know that these events often left me angry or aloof and that you still suffered from this turmoil.

I always took my faith seriously and I wanted to live right—but I couldn’t seem to kick the addiction. The double life was a terrible thing to endure. My life was filled with guilt, shame, and feelings of hypocrisy. These feeling grew continuously worse; toward the end they were especially awful.

However, when I came to SA and started dealing seriously with my addiction, then healing, restoration, and recovery began to take place—and your mother and I were able to have a fresh start. For the first time, she felt loved and accepted, and I didn’t have the addiction dragging me down. It’s amazing how our marriage changed when I was able to relate to your mother with complete commitment and devotion!

I used to be quite resentful (a major factor in my addiction!), and I have made some headway with that too. Things aren’t always easy because we have had (and still have) some things to work through, but now I have much more peace and serenity in my life, as well as the tools to deal with life on life’s terms.

I know the move to a new city when you were 13 years old was hard for the family and especially hard on you. You were in turmoil (as many teenagers would be), but my addiction just exacerbated the situation. I made a lot of serious mistakes that hurt you and the rest of the family. I’m very sorry for that. I hope I can make these things up to you and the rest of the family some day. If I could do it all over again, I would try to do everything differently. At the time, I think my motive for moving was to make more money (which didn’t work out!). That was not a good reason to move.

About a year ago, we achieved another milestone. Your mother and I had a special weekend together. I bought her a new diamond wedding ring (she had stopped wearing her old ring because of broken vows), and I asked her to marry me again. She said yes! We are really enjoying our new relationship. I just wish I could have gotten sober when I was younger and avoided so much of the hurt that I caused you and the rest of our family. But today I’m grateful for SA, my sponsor, and my SA group for leading me to sobriety and recovery.

Son, I hope this answers your question but please, if you have any other questions let me know. It helps me to talk about these things, too.

I love you and think of you and pray for you often.

— Love, Dad