In the years of my addiction, I liked to play in chess tournaments—but my self-worth was attached to how I fared in a tournament. When I won, I felt great. When I lost I felt like a failure. I would feel depressed, inadequate, and insecure. I believed I did not belong at a chess tournament; that the members should revoke my membership and ban me from the game for life.

This past Saturday, after six years of SA sobriety, I once again played in a chess tournament. This was my first time to play in sobriety and recovery. My plan was that, if I lost a game and felt those old feelings resurface, I would make a call so that I could stay connected to my recovery. An incredible thing happened! I lost, but I did not feel those awful feelings! I was relaxed. I accepted the fact that losing is part of the game.

This change of attitude can only be attributed to a spiritual awakening as a result of working the Twelve Steps with my sponsor. I continue to have a spiritual awakening daily (since I work the Steps daily). The Big Book says, “we have ceased fighting anything or anyone” (AA 84)—even lust—and God has granted me the ability to experience this new attitude, one day at a time. Lust always wants more, but by having a new attitude, I don’t have to lust and I don’t have to win. Today, I can accept life on life’s terms.

I won two games and lost two games last Saturday. After my first loss, it occurred to me that I could review this game at a later date (I had written down the moves), and see where I could improve on my game. Chess players often review only the games they lose, so that they can see where to improve. The spiritual lesson for me was that I can learn by mistakes. I grow from learning about what works, instead of continuing to do what doesn’t work. Who knew that that chess tournament would give me a spiritual lesson? It made losing that much sweeter.

Losing a game isn’t a tragedy anymore; it’s an opportunity to improve. In the same way, I’ve learned in SA that I need to “surrender to win.” I will lose to lust every time unless I admit that I am powerless over it. So I need to surrender lust to my Higher Power and ask Him to help me improve spiritually.

The funny thing is that my new chess rating after this tournament is 1212. How cool is that? Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions! I have an alarm set on my cell phone for 12:12 so that when it activates, I can stop and thank God for the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions and then pray for someone in the program.

Peace,