I was raised in an alcoholic home that was fraught with violence, incest, and molestation. In the past six months, my older brother and my twin sister both passed away. They were finally at peace (although they never found recovery). Their deaths brought home to me something I had read in the AA 12&12: “In many instances we shall find that though the harm done others has not been great, the emotional harm we have done ourselves has. Very deep, sometimes quite forgotten, damaging emotional conflicts persist below the level of consciousness. At the time of these occurrences, they may actually have given our emotions violent twists which have since discolored our personalities and altered our lives for the worse” (79-80).

Thus after 6 1/2 years of SA sobriety (and 28 years in AA), I have only recently realized that I need outside help to work on some painful emotional issues that are decades old. This past April, at a spiritual retreat in Colorado, I came face to face with these issues: trust and shame. Then an even deeper issue surfaced: I wondered whether I really trust God the Father.

I have an existing back problem that flared up during the retreat. Treatment requires a hot bath, a massage, and an ice pack. My wife usually does these things for me. Therein was the problem. This was a men’s retreat and I was traveling with a grand-sponsee. I am 72 years old and he is 27. I was physically unable to take care of myself, and I had to permit this young man to care for me. With my background of sexual abuse by men, and then by my mother, this was a huge issue for me of trust and overcoming shame. My grand-sponsee showed deep compassion, respect, and care as he gently but firmly took control—and, with God’s help, I was able to let go of my need for control, let myself be vulnerable, and accept his help. This resulted in more than two hours of cathartic crying. The epiphany I had was that God was present throughout this entire weekend.

When I got back from the retreat, I shared this with my SA sponsor. He suggested that I get the AA booklet, Came to Believe, and read one article a day. He also suggested that I possibly still struggle at some level with the question: “Have I in fact had a spiritual awakening?” One morning, as I read a meditation from that booklet entitled “In His Own Individual Right,” the reading seemed to clearly address my question and I had a sense of knowing that indeed I have had a spiritual awakening. Finally, I am now in counseling and have found a spiritual director. God is good in all things; and in all things, God is good.