While I was growing up, our family attended church twice on Sunday and again on Wednesday nearly every week. This gave me a good exposure to God and to the church. I didn’t always enjoy attending church, but something was planted within me. I believed in a punishing God, but at least I believed in God. Unfortunately, this exposure to the church did not prevent me from seeking inappropriate ways to handle my emotions. Therefore, I acted out for the next 35 to 40 years as a single boy and as a married man.

A few years ago, at an AA meeting, I was given a copy of the White Book to read. After reading the first couple of pages, I decided that I did not relate to what was written. Boy was I wrong! After six more years of pain, shame, and self-hatred, I finally had to admit my problem, so I started attending SA meetings and reading the literature.

As soon as I walked into the small room in a local church for my first SA meeting, I felt welcome. I felt that I belonged. This feeling was confirmed during the member introductions. I never thought that I would talk about this sort of thing with anyone, especially other men. But when a member read “The Problem” (SA 203), he could have been talking about me. And I most assuredly related to many of the shares I heard at that meeting. I knew that I would be attending more meetings and diving into this program.

I immediately found a sponsor and started working the Steps. I became close to some men in SA as well as others in a therapy group. That was when I became aware that I actually have feelings—and that I could work on my feelings, rather than stuff them deep inside, as I had done my entire life. Through my relationships with those men I also found a deeper faith in God.

Nowadays, I diligently work Step One every day, doing my best to not take a second look or intentionally expose myself to sexual images. And to maintain my spiritual fitness, I pray and meditate every morning, every night, and at other times during the day.

I don’t know whether God led me to SA, or SA brought me closer to God. It doesn’t matter because I now believe that God led me to SA so that I would come closer to Him— and I’ve never felt closer to God. I receive a tremendous amount of comfort through Him, which in turn inspires me to keep working this program to the best of my ability.

Today I believe that I have a loving God who isn’t waiting to punish me. He’s there to love and forgive me. He wants this program to work for me and I will not disappoint Him. Thank you God, for being at my side during this journey of recovery.