On September 18, 2013, I celebrated five years of SA sobriety. While I realize that five years is only a benchmark and that I still have much to learn, I’ve been so excited by what I’ve already learned in SA that I would like to share it with you. And I would like to compare my life to a cup, having an inside and an outside. In recovery, I’ve learned some healthy tools for maintaining both the inside and the outside of the cup.

I grew up in a loving family, and we attended church together every week. My mom and dad spent time with me and made sure I had what I needed. They did a good job of providing for me, but it was all about externals. I only saw what they did on the outside of the cup. So the outside of my cup looked good, while I was hurting on the inside.

Through my family, I learned many things about the Bible and God. I also learned that knowledge was power. People told me I could be a pastor. I learned that I could impress people by what I knew. I also learned that awards impress people. I earned many academic and civic awards. All these things decorated the outside of my cup. The outside of my cup was just glowing. People would say nice things about me because the outside of the cup looked so good.

Yet none of those outside things could solve my emotional or spiritual problems. How was I to cope when people I loved in my life died? How could I deal with people who did not like me? What did I do when I failed (dirtying the outside of the cup)?

In pornography, I found a way to cope. This was my little secret. I knew this was wrong, but if things did not go my way, I would find a magazine or a movie and act out. I thought I could keep my public life and private life separate. It was no big deal. What could go wrong?

I thought things were going well. I thought I could be successful at my new career. I thought I could be a loving husband, wonderful father, and faithful church worker. That is what people expected of me. I needed to keep the outside of the cup looking good. Yet I was confronted with unmet expectations. My job was never good enough. I always thought the problem was the job, so I constantly looked for better opportunities. Even when I was caught viewing and downloading porn at one job, I believed the job was still the problem: I was bored and needed something to do.

Also, being a loving husband was hard work. It was even harder being a father. When I volunteered my time for church activities, I was just going through the motions to keep the outside of the cup looking good—but I turned to porn more and more often. And even when I wasn’t viewing the images, I could replay them in my mind. As time went on, it became easy to have porn access at home. So what was the big deal that I had a double life? Who was I hurting?

Eventually, my coping mechanism stopped working. I felt guilty about the porn I watched, but the only way to feel better was to get more porn. I became quite depressed about my life. Life was no longer worth living. It did not matter anymore what the outside of the cup looked like.

Something was missing in my life. I thought I had what I needed, but really I had nothing. In October 2008, I started seeing a counselor to help me sort out these issues. At his suggestion, I attended my first SA meeting a few months later. It was only after I attended SA that I started to see what I needed in life.

SA made me do something I had never wanted to do: it made me look inside the cup and take care of it. This was uncomfortable. I did not like what I saw on the inside. I learned that I was dishonest, resentful, critical, fearful, and uncaring—just to name a few of my character defects. These things were not just bad; they were toxic. I had been using porn to fill a void that only my Higher Power could fill.

Thankfully, God did not reveal everything to me all at once. First, I learned that I could survive without masturbating. As I surrendered masturbation, I could see other things in my life more clearly. I could see how the things I had on the inside of the cup affected other people. By working the Steps, I could see that I had been minimizing the truth or blaming others for my problems in order to help myself look good. In SA, I’ve been trying to take responsibility for my own actions and accept things as they are.

I also saw that I have a critical nature. I was great at telling people about the faults of others, but I left out their good qualities. Now I’m learning to treat others with respect. I came to realize that my anger was out of control and that I fear many things. Through SA, God has been showing me these things in my life and removing them day by day.

Yet God did not clean out the inside of my cup and leave it empty. Instead, He put some good qualities into my life. One important quality is love. Love helps me see the needs of other people and not just my own. As I looked past the outside of the cup, I began to see integrity in my life. People can see the real outside and inside of my life more often now. I no longer live a double life. In all of my dealings, I try to live by the same principle. I try to act the same way at church as I do at work or with my family.

Furthermore, God did not fill my cup just to satisfy me. The reason God filled my cup was to pour it out into the lives of others. This is the Twelfth Step, and it was a big challenge for me at first. But today I’m able to love my wife and family the way I always should have. My new behavior has led to more laughter in my home, and a deeper intimacy with my wife.

I can also help people I don’t even know. I’ve found great joy in leading someone new to an SA meeting on the phone line—and then seeing the person go to a meeting and keep coming back. I feel I’ve made a small difference in this world when I lead someone from darkness and despair to the Great Light.

I’ve experienced the promise that the measure I give is the measure I will get back. I had to read that promise several times before I started understanding it. The addict logic told me that if I give, I have less. But in recovery I see that the more I give, the more God will fill my cup to overflowing.

Maybe the outside of my cup does not look as good as it once did when I ran my whole life. Yet the inside of my cup has been purified with the help of a Higher Power. I have learned that I can go to God with my problems and I can even be used to bless the lives of others.