Hey, this is        . I am calling because I am disturbed right now. I just left a message with my sponsor and he did not answer. I am calling until I get somebody live. No matter what, I need to talk about it. I am on campus while my girlfriend is in class. There was an angry street preacher here today and, of course, there were crowds yelling back and forth with him. I wanted to watch, but really I was just using this situation to lust.

Watching the crowd is really just an excuse for me to look at girls. Everybody is dressed very freely because it is so warm and nice out. Weather like this is a blessing and a curse because I feel great, but there is also a whole lot more to look at. I did not act out, but I feel guilty and ashamed about what I did do, which is stand around trying to act natural while also trying to scope out girls’ body parts. I walked up behind this girl and tried position myself to see down her shirt.

Talking about my triggers helps. I have just got to get lust off my chest. At first it was fun — I wanted to do it. By the end I was thinking “O God, why am I doing this? I need to stop this. I can’t do it.” I prayed and prayed and eventually the thought came to me that I needed to make calls. I thought of making calls earlier today and I have been putting it off. I need to make an effort to put recovery first or situations like this happen.

I feel like I have slipped back to my old ways, like I am back to spending hours and hours looking at porn and masturbating. I do not like the way I feel and I want to change. Pain is always a good motivator. Hopefully something good will come from this. I don’t want to beat myself up too much about it. I need to keep making more calls. Thanks for listening. Bye.